Most Willing To Lie About Green Lifestyle Changes

MOST people are ready to tell enormous lies about the personal sacrifices they will make to halt climate change, the latest Daily Mash poll reveals.

Our survey asked: “Would you give up your 4×4, foreign holiday, luxury consumer goods, and dishwasher to save the planet?” More than 80% said: “Absolutely, yes”.

We then asked: “Would you really give up your 4×4, foreign holiday, luxury consumer goods, and dishwasher to save the planet?” More than 80% said: “No, actually, I wouldn't, come to think of it.”

Alexandra McLeish, 48, a mother of two, said she would happily give up her Maytag ZigZag fridge freezer and Electrolux Iron Aid tumble dryer to preserve the planet for her young son and daughter.

When we offered to take them away on an electric truck she said: “You will have to prize them from my cold dead hands you motherfuckers”, and barricaded herself in the kitchen with a shotgun.

Bill McKay, 36, from  Reading, said: “I would personally sacrifice my mother and father, wife and three children if it meant I could replace my PS3 with a Nintendo Wii and fly to Thailand for sex tourism.”

He added: “It would work out better in the end, because I will be able to offset my kerb crawling.”

Bob Holt, 48, from Harrogate, said he was prepared to make huge personal sacrifices to save the planet from climate change as long as it did not involve any huge personal sacrifice.

He said: “There are billions of poor Chinese people who don’t have big cars, adequate sanitation, central heating or electric light. If we could just keep it like that then I can have a Range Rover Sport. What exactly is the problem?”

But Yen Xiao, a farmer, from Jiangsu Province in China, said: “If it’s alright with you, I would still quite like a FUCKING FRIDGE.”

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Ferguson Calls For Cap On Arsenal Winning

SIR Alex Ferguson has demanded a cap on the number of matches Arsenal is allowed to win during a Premier League season.

The Manchester United manager said Arsenal wins were undermining the domestic game and preventing other teams from winning trophies as often as they would like to.

Ferguson said: "Ideally the number of Arsenal victories in a season should be capped at perhaps one less than another large English team that plays in red and is not Liverpool or Middlesbrough.

"For the sake of English football perhaps that team should be Manchester United, at least for the first 30 or 40 years.

"Or until Arsenal sack that stuck-up, sounds-intelligent -because-of-his-French-accent, wouldn't-last-two-minutes-in-Govan, smart-arsed, French BASTARD."

Sir Alex said there was now general agreement that English football would be better off if Manchester United was about five or six points clear by Christmas.

"A close finish to the season means that our home grown talent may lose out on the chance of beating a smug French prick and his team of French homosexuals," he said.

"These French nancy boys are good looking and sophisticated. They don't need the extra confidence boost that comes with actually winning matches.

"But look at Wayne. Seriously, just look at him. If that boy couldn't play football, chances are he'd be mistaken for a large piece of cheese."

Ferguson added: "The great thing about professional football is that it can take a violent, ill-educated thug out of a deprived estate and put him behind the wheel of an incredibly fast car."