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My plans to dim the sun not sounding so evil now, eh? says Ed Miliband

ED Miliband suspects you are all on board with his previously much-criticised sun-dimming technology now.

With temperatures continuing to soar across the UK, the energy and climate secretary is confident that his funding for experiments to bounce sunlight back into space no longer sound like the insane plan of a megalomaniac Bond villain.

Speaking from his volcano lair, Miliband said: “Oh sure, you were all dead against the idea during the fickle spring weather. But now look at you, crawling back to me like the pathetic worms you are.

“I remember how you all slammed me for ‘playing God’, simply because I thought about putting black dust on clouds to block out the sun. My vision of a nuclear winter sounds pretty appealing now though, doesn’t it, as you leave trails of sweat everywhere like big disgusting slugs?

“Maybe I’ll take pity on you all and go ahead with it – if you apologise for calling me an awkward dork and erase that picture of the bacon sandwich from the internet.

“Or I might just sit there laughing as humanity burns. My godlike powers have already gone to my head.”

Mary Fisher from Swindon said: “Typical Labour. I suppose immigrants will get all the cooler temperatures.”

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I can die without any nanny state assistance, thank you

THE nanny state’s latest idea? That its citizens are so helpless they need assistance even to die. Well, I can die perfectly well on my own, thank you very much.

Whether it’s peacefully in bed, under the wheels of a train or with a needle hanging out of my arm in a squalid Glasgow bedsit, the last thing I need is a busybody social worker coming in telling me I’m doing it wrong.

‘Have you considered dying more ethically?’ she’ll say, armed with her degree in Expiration Studies from the University of Sunderland. ‘Can I talk to you for a moment about the impact your death will have on the ethnic minority community?’

I suppose it was inevitable. The self-important busybodies running our country decided we couldn’t feed ourselves properly, couldn’t be trusted to build our own kitchen extensions and were not allowed disposable vapes. Now they’re interfering in our dying.

It’s insulting. My family has been dying for longer than I can remember. My father died, and his father before him, and so on all the way back to the English Reformation. Were they dying incorrectly? Are apologies required?

Vote what you like today. I shall ignore it. I shall die however I choose, whether on a wild swim gone badly awry, a firearms accident or simply choking on a chicken goujon. It will remain my decision and the nanny state can keep its nose out of it.

In fact, I might die before Parliament has this vote to teach them they can’t push us around. What do you think of that, Kim so-called Leadbeater?

Because that is the only place of true freedom under this despotic Labour government: the sunless lands from which no traveller returns. I’ll see you there, Britain.

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