Northern gibbons are lazy thieves, say scientists

PRIMATES from the northern half of rainforests are more likely to be dishonest than their southerly counterparts, scientists have claimed.

Zoologists found that gibbons living in the northern, depressing regions were more prone to theft and less neurotic than those in the more desirable areas in the southeast.

The study also found that if a male southern gibbon has intercourse he will be consumed with anxiety for weeks and may even write a song about it while a northern gibbon will just wipe himself on a leaf and then immediately stick his monkey penis into his brother’s girlfriend.

Meanwhile southern gibbons were less threatening, had spindly forearms and spend hours hooting at each other about tree prices.

Professor Wayne Hayes said: “As we passed into the upper reaches of the forest, with a high density of municipal trees from the 1960s, we encountered a group of young gibbons who seemed to be just loitering around.

“The leader made a series of hand gestures, apparently indicating that if we wanted, they would watch our jeep in exchange for some pulpy, sugary fruits.

“We declined, which seemed to anger them and when we returned to the vehicle after taking plant samples, it was up on bricks with the tyres gone.

“The radio had been ripped out, my laptop was missing from the boot, and the whole thing was covered in shit and piss.”

He added: “Despite being a dedicated conservationist, I do hope these arseholes become extinct.”



Kids who eat pizza 'do not ask lots of smart-arse questions'

FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste their time asking a
series of annoying, smart-arse questions, researchers have discovered.

The Institute for Studies found that children who consume a healthy diet of fatty, processed food are quieter and more co-operative than the mouthy, jumped-up little shits who want to know exactly where their broccoli came from.

Researchers studied 1200 children across the UK and found that the fat children would finish their plate of chicken drumshapes and go and sit quietly in front of the television while children who ate cabbage would follow their parents around all day with a list of tedious questions about politics and the environment.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We found that the fat children and everyone who came into contact with them were up to 95% happier.

“These children’s brains are beautifully uncluttered, their parents blissfully undisturbed and everyone who sees them instantly breaks into the broad smile that invariably accompanies the sight of a roly-poly child.

“The most probing question a fat child will is ask ‘can you lift me up to see if I’m sitting on the remote control?’.

“Meanwhile the smart-arse cabbage eaters are filled with incessant ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ and grow up into unhappy, interfering, Guardian reading bastards who cannot shut their fucking faces for two minutes without some opinion falling out of it like a turd.”

Teacher Julian Cook said: “I bloody love fat kids. All glassy eyed and docile. It’s like teaching a cow.

“Whenever I see a hand in the air I know immediately that it belongs to some rosy-cheeked, twinkly-eyed little fucker who’s just had a tangerine.”

Professor Brubaker added: “The key to human existence is pizza and happiness. Not vegetables and questions.”