Northern gibbons are lazy thieves, say scientists

PRIMATES from the northern half of rainforests are more likely to be dishonest than their southerly counterparts, scientists have claimed.

Zoologists found that gibbons living in the northern, depressing regions were more prone to theft and less neurotic than those in the more desirable areas in the southeast.

The study also found that if a male southern gibbon has intercourse he will be consumed with anxiety for weeks and may even write a song about it while a northern gibbon will just wipe himself on a leaf and then immediately stick his monkey penis into his brother’s girlfriend.

Meanwhile southern gibbons were less threatening, had spindly forearms and spend hours hooting at each other about tree prices.

Professor Wayne Hayes said: “As we passed into the upper reaches of the forest, with a high density of municipal trees from the 1960s, we encountered a group of young gibbons who seemed to be just loitering around.

“The leader made a series of hand gestures, apparently indicating that if we wanted, they would watch our jeep in exchange for some pulpy, sugary fruits.

“We declined, which seemed to anger them and when we returned to the vehicle after taking plant samples, it was up on bricks with the tyres gone.

“The radio had been ripped out, my laptop was missing from the boot, and the whole thing was covered in shit and piss.”

He added: “Despite being a dedicated conservationist, I do hope these arseholes become extinct.”



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Kids who eat pizza 'do not ask lots of smart-arse questions'

FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste time asking annoying, smart-arse questions, research has discovered.

Children who consume a healthy diet of fatty ultra-processed food are quieter and more co-operative than mouthy, jumped-up little shits who demand to know what field their broccoli grew in.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Fat children finished their chicken drumshapes and took themselves quietly off to watch telly. Thin children followed adults around quizzing them on sustainability. I know which I’d rather have. 

“Fat kids, and everyone who came into contact with them, were 95 per cent happier. Their brains beautifully uncluttered, their parents blissfully undisturbed, and everyone who saw their roly-poly majesty instantly broke into broad smiles. 

“Meanwhile smart-arsed rocket-munchers filled the air with incessant ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ and grow up into unhappy, interfering, judgemental bastards who cannot shut their faces for two minutes without some opinion falling out of it like a turd.” 

Teacher Julian Cook said: “I bloody love fat kids. All glassy-eyed and docile, like teaching a cow. 

“Whenever I see a hand in the air I know immediately that it belongs to some rosy-cheeked, twinkly-eyed lean little f**ker who’s just had a tangerine.”

Professor Brubaker added: “The key to human existence is pizza and happiness. Not vegetables and questions.”