PRIMATES from the northern half of rainforests are more likely to be dishonest than their southerly counterparts, scientists have claimed.
Zoologists found that gibbons living in the northern, depressing regions were more prone to theft and less neurotic than those in the more desirable areas in the southeast.
The study also found that if a male southern gibbon has intercourse he will be consumed with anxiety for weeks and may even write a song about it while a northern gibbon will just wipe himself on a leaf and then immediately stick his monkey penis into his brother’s girlfriend.
Meanwhile southern gibbons were less threatening, had spindly forearms and spend hours hooting at each other about tree prices.
Professor Wayne Hayes said: “As we passed into the upper reaches of the forest, with a high density of municipal trees from the 1960s, we encountered a group of young gibbons who seemed to be just loitering around.
“The leader made a series of hand gestures, apparently indicating that if we wanted, they would watch our jeep in exchange for some pulpy, sugary fruits.
“We declined, which seemed to anger them and when we returned to the vehicle after taking plant samples, it was up on bricks with the tyres gone.
“The radio had been ripped out, my laptop was missing from the boot, and the whole thing was covered in shit and piss.”
He added: “Despite being a dedicated conservationist, I do hope these arseholes become extinct.”