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Partial solar eclipses 'crap', scientists confirm

ECLIPSES of the sun which are less than total are underwhelming and not worth looking at, scientists have confirmed.

With the UK due for a partial solar eclipse next week, astronomers have advised Britain to look at images of a proper one on YouTube because they will be more visually impressive.

Professor Martin Bishop said: “Would you be happy if served a partially-cooked chicken burger? No? Well, this is the same only with celestial bodies.

“Ooh, the Moon will get a bit in the way of the sun for a couple of minutes, will it? Big deal. Clouds do that all the time, but nobody flocks to look at them in amazement through pinhole cameras.

“Your friends won’t be impressed when you recount seeing a partial eclipse. It’s like telling people you went to Oxford Brookes University. Everyone knows it’s not the real thing.

“A sunset, where the sun vanishes entirely and the skies go pitch black making stars thousands of light years away visible to the naked eye, is more impressive than a partial eclipse. Nobody makes a fuss about those.”

He added: “My advice is, between 6pm and 8pm next Wednesday while this is going on, make yourself some dinner. Have a scroll on your phone. Under no circumstances turn on The One Show.”

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Travelodge rewards lucky couple with 2am threesome opportunity

A COUPLE are being unaccountably ungrateful to a Travelodge which, at no extra cost, provided them with the opportunity for a spontaneous 2am threesome. 

Susan Traherne and Wayne Hayes, both in their 50s, were presented with a shirtless stranger ready to go in their room at 2am but instead of allowing freshness and excitement into their moribund love lives attempted to alert managers.

A Travelodge spokesman said: “Fortunately they were thwarted because there was no manager on site overnight. But what a pair of dullards.

“We read so much these days about going with the flow, embracing the chances life gives you, not allowing yourself to be ruled by fear, and then you encounter a pair of stick-in-the-muds like these two, holding society back.

“What’s wrong with them? Why, after their initial surprise, did they not beckon the shirtless, aggressive stranger over to their bed seductively while removing their pyjamas?

“They could have had a night of passion, of boundaries broken, an unforgettable evening of three-way love and soiled towels thrown in the bath for our staff to clean. Instead it was as unmemorable as the abstract art over the bed.”

Traherne said: “We would have only we had to be up early for the garden retail expo the next day. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall was doing a talk.”

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