Plastic-free aisle in supermarkets to become hook-up joint for sanctimonious twats

PLASTIC-free aisles in supermarkets are to be used like singles bars by committed environmentalists, it has emerged.

Green shoppers have rejected online dating because it uses fossil-fuel generated electricity and are set to take over the new aisles where they can share their passion for yoghurt that is sold in a paper bag.

Tom Logan said: “Normally when I go to Tesco I hang around in the ‘free from’ section in the hope that I can hook up with a fellow environmentalist, but the danger is they might be a normal Earth-murderer with a wheat intolerance.

“In the plastic-free aisle I can meet someone who shares my passion for freeing our beautiful world of pollution. I can imagine the moment our eyes meet over a string bag full of organic avocados.

“Then we’ll waltz dreamily round into the freezer section for a bag of peas. I love the Earth, but how do you expect me to get peas home without a plastic bag?”

Tesco store assistant Wayne Hayes said: “If he’s so concerned about plastic waste why the fuck is he shopping in Tesco in the first place?”

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Dear Holly: Any suggestions on what I should ask Donald Trump? Robert Mueller, Washington DC

Dear Holly,
I’m all excited that I finally get to question the Donald as part of my ongoing investigation. But I’m a bit worried I’m going to make an arse of it so I am trying to devise some killer questions in advance. So far I’ve come up with, “President Trump, what is it like being such a colossal, racist, orange fuckwit?”, but beyond that I have hit a bit of a wall. Any suggestions?
Robert Mueller
Washington DC

Dear Robert,
Generally speaking, grown-ups don’t like it when you ask them questions. They go all red and fidgety and try to change the subject, especially if you ask them “where do babies come from?” or “why was daddy kissing that strange lady in Asda car park while you were visiting granny in the home?” or ” why does my brother have different coloured skin from the rest of the family?” Funnily enough, no-one seems up for answering those sorts of questions and might even give you a clip round the ear if you ask too many of them.
Hope that helps!