Posh woman clearly fancies her horse

AN UPPER class woman is obviously in love with her horse, it has been confirmed.

Lady Susan Traherne is married to a human, but also likes to feed her horse Trinket sugar cubes while gently blowing into his big horse nostrils.

She said: “It is absurd to suggest that I, a sane and balanced posh woman in a healthy marriage to a much older red-faced man who only cares about shooting and cheese, could have feelings for a horse. Even if he is large, muscular, unfailingly loyal and has the long sensitive eyelashes of a poet.

“Anyway I only keep Trinket because horseback is such a cheap and practical way to get to the village Post Office.”

Horse Trinket said: “Just to be absolutely clear, I am a gelding. You know what that means, right?

“We have a normal, healthy horse-and-posh-woman relationship where she puts on incredibly tight trousers and sits on my back for no reason, then afterwards we go back to the stable and she cradles my huge horse head while feeding me hay and telling me her innermost secrets.

“Her husband Gerry is a total bastard, apparently.”

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Landlord won't allow pets but will allow f**k-off hole in roof

A LANDLORD has confirmed that he will not allow pets but that a large hole in the roof does not infringe his strict rules. 

Wayne Hayes, owner of seven investment properties, enforces a ‘no shoes on carpet’ policy, does not allow toasters  and warns that Blu Tack marks mean the automatic forfeiture of deposits, but is surprisingly lax on the rain coming in.

He said: “My properties are my future, and looking after them is only good sense. Except when it’s not.

“The fact is that we’ve had a quote to fix that roof and it simply isn’t competitive when compared to the longstanding bucket solution we already have, so fixing it doesn’t make sense. You wouldn’t know that because you’re only a tenant.

“I didn’t see you complain during the heatwave when it was providing ventilation. You need to take more responsibility for your own living conditions. Getting it fixed professionally at your own expense would be a step toward that.”

Tenant Tom Booker said: “We moved in here because the rules made it seem like the house would be clean and well looked after.

“Last month I asked him if the shower would ever get fixed and he claimed it’s on the tenancy agreement that I should be a member of a gym.”