Scientists demand urgent action to stop extinction of pub pool tables

PUB pool tables are at risk of becoming an endangered species, experts have warned.

New research has revealed that pub pool table numbers have plummeted from over two million in 1981 to a mere 485 today.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The pool table’s natural habitat, a manky little room at the rear of the pub, is being destroyed by ‘restaurantism’ – the trend where pubs basically become brightly-lit family eateries that serve beer as an afterthought.

“If this continues the pool table could be driven to extinction, or worse still end up being played only in weird American-themed games warehouses where they also do ‘ten-pin bowling’ and ‘nachos’.”

Pub naturalist Susan Traherne owns a breeding pair of pool tables with which she hopes to repopulate the pubs in her local area.

She said: “There can be few sights more majestic than a pool table with fully intact baize and a large stack of 50ps next to the centre pocket.

“Even if everyone disagrees about the actual rules and then has a fight in the car park.”

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Woman baffled at inability to find true love using hook-up app

A WOMAN is baffled at her inability to find true love with an app primarily used for hook-ups.

Nikki Hollis, 33, said: “I’d heard about Tinder and it’s reputation for being used for casual flings.

But I decided to completely ignore that, and try to use it to find a serious relationship anyway.”

At first Hollis was pleased with the response, adding: “Pretty much every man that I fancied was a match. It must be destiny. Either that or men just swipe right on every woman they see! Haha!

“I then noticed that almost every man I talked to wasn’t after a serious relationship at all. How could I have possibly known Tinder would be like this, apart from what all my friends said and the hundreds of articles I’d read about it online?”

Hollis changed her profile to say that she was only after a serious relationship and ‘wanted to start a family in the near future’.

“People were just swiping right without reading. I didn’t realise people on a picture-based dating app would be so superficial!”

She added: “Sure, there are loads of dating sites and apps for people who want long-term relationships, but what am I meant to do? Use one of those?”