First year student assumes every bus goes to city centre

A FIRST-YEAR student is assuming that any bus he cares to board will take him into the city centre. 

Stephen Malley, studying for a media and communications degree, is confident he does not have to bother with ‘dad stuff’ like bus timetables because his innate intelligence will provide all he needs.

He said: “I see a bus, I hop on, I take the ride. That’s how I live now. By my own rules.

“I asked the driver if we were going downtown, which is what they call it in the States where I’ve been, and he said some stuff I didn’t quite get so I headed to the back and chilled.

“We then drove through some bits of the city I really, really didn’t recognise. I don’t think they were the centre. Then we drove past some fields, then a few small towns, then more fields. By this time I was the only person on the bus.

“Then I had to pay again, then we did the whole journey in reverse then we were back at university and I had to get off because I had a lecture, but it was probably going to the centre next.

“Still, I’m not changing anything. I bet it’ll work brilliantly next time.”

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Middle-class woman mortified about how much brie she ate last night

AN embarrassed mother-of-two is anxiously replaying the brie-fuelled conversations about house prices and grammar schools she had at a dinner party last night. 

Francesca Johnson, aged 39, admitted that after the tamarind-marinated bavette steak that the rest of the evening was a blur.

She continued: “I could feel myself losing control early on with the stilton puffs. A couple of heads turned when I was waxing lyrical about the novels of Elena Ferrante.

“But by the time the cheeseboard came out, I was completely off the rails. Hot yoga, Tom Hiddleston, the perils of buy-to-let, I didn’t give a shit. All I wanted was more brie.

“I’m pretty sure I had half the wheel, and I must have had gluten because I’m horribly bloated. Simon wasn’t much better. I’m sure I remember him claiming he was going to found a free school.

“Was I cramming it in without even taking the rind off? I need help.”

Host Carolyn Ryan said: “We were all pretty high on our own status. After they’d gone I binged six episodes of The Crown.