Rail companies activate weather machine

PRIVATISED rail companies are using a weather machine to justify their piss-poor service, it has emerged.

Sometimes the Weathertron gets turned up too high

The Weathertron machine can provide a range of conditions, including rain, snow and sleet, whenever a convenient excuse is needed.

A rail company source said: “Trains can be delayed for all sorts of reasons, such as the cost of making them go to places eating into our profits.

“If a train is late – perhaps because we’ve not serviced it since 1995 and all the windows have fallen out – we just wheel out the Weathertron and fire off some bad weather to that part of the country.

“The Weathertron is a big brass gun-looking thing like in that Kate Bush video with Donald Sutherland. If we didn’t use it the weather would be nice all year round.

“Of course storms in the UK aren’t extreme enough to affect a massive great train, but Britons are obsessed with the weather and think it can do anything.”

The source added that to avoid wearing out the weather excuse, other methods were sometimes used, such as dropping leaves onto the line from a helicopter or wheeling some plastic cows in front of a train.

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Middle class family forced to travel on Megabus

A MIDDLE class family from Bristol has endured a 90 minute journey on the budget coach service Megabus.

Quantity surveyor Stephen Malley had to take his wife and children to a new exhibition at the Tate Modern because of social pressure from their peer group.

But when train fares proved prohibitively expensive, they found themselves travelling via Megabus.

Malley said: “I took the last remaining seat, next to the toilet beside a man with his legs akimbo who was weeping.

“I immediately noticed the aroma of many different cuisines as passengers munched through their various foodstuffs, but despite my close proximity to the loo I felt certain nobody would defecate on a relatively short journey.

“How wrong I was.”

Malley’s daughter’s Susan said: “It was good. We are not allowed dance music at home and I got to hear banging techno for the first time, through the phone speaker of the person sitting behind me.

“I’ve been on National Express too but Megabus has way more of a party vibe.”