SO much for the saying ‘the grass is always greener’. If your local park is now a useless, arid wasteland, here are some alternative purposes for it.
New Dune filming location
As the franchise continues, why not email Chris Nolan to say he can save money on the sets? Large sandy patches can be found everywhere in your park, so it’s a lot like Arrakis if you CGI out the children’s swings. And think of the boost to the local economy of Timothée Chalamet plodding disconsolately around being hassled by hangry pigeons.
Exfoliating spa treatment
People pay to get their skin scrubbed with sugar, salt and even crystals, so why not use a mix of crispy park debris? Dust, grit and dead leaves are all natural – 100 per cent organic and sustainable, if you will – so give them a deep cleanse with that. Don’t forget to charge 150 quid.
Living history educational trip
Middle-class parents love to take their kids to educational Viking centres, but why not learn about the horrors of Dust Bowl America by experiencing it themselves? Make them trudge around the drought-stricken park all day asking confused sunbathers if ‘any of these here farms are hiring’. You could read bits of The Grapes of Wrath to them but it’s heavy going, so just throw away their packed lunches to simulate constant, gnawing hunger instead.
‘Upsetting baby’ sensory class
It’s fashionable to introduce your toddler to happy sounds, bubbles and lovely soft textures, but aren’t kids soft and cossetted enough already these days? It’s time for them to learn the harsh realities of life by making them sit on hard, dry ground while you throw dirt and twigs at them. It’s character building.
Immersive climate change experience
Some people still won’t accept that consistently climbing temperatures are indicators of man-made climate change. Time to ship in these contrarian politicians and influencers and lock them in the hell of your local park for several days. They’ll soon get a taste of global drought and food shortages when the ice cream van goes home for the night.
Supplies of hamster bedding
With all the green grass reduced to straw, parks are ideal for stocking up on free bedding for hamsters, mice and gerbils. Their cages will become pet paradises as you fill them with interesting new dusty straw. Don’t worry if the dried-out park grass is a bit dirty – it’s like the finest Egyptian cotton to them, because they’re basically rats.
