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Only sexy people enjoying summer

ONLY attractive people with toned, fit bodies are truly enjoying the summer.

The hot weather has been welcomed by winners of the genetic lottery as a chance to flaunt their good looks, unlike regular and ugly people who find it a test of endurance with added body-shaming. 

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s no coincidence you mostly see stunners wearing bikinis in the park or frolicking in the surf. The Morlocks of society are all hiding away, luckily.

“Like squirrels in winter, anyone less than an eight effectively goes into hibernation during summer. And that’s a good thing. It’s better for their mental health that they avoid the parade of beautiful, nubile flesh they don’t have a chance of pulling.

“A few who lack self-awareness might try sunbathing, but fortunately society’s cruel mockery drives them safely back indoors.

“It’s important that hot people are left alone. Summer is their mating season. The last thing their fragile, sexy ecosystem needs is uggos killing the vibe with their weird, chunky bodies and pig-like faces.

“Admittedly, sexy people have a better time in spring, autumn and winter too. They’re just more noticeable when they barely have any clothes on.”

Attractive person Ellie Shaw said: “We’re not trying to exclude the runts. That’s why we bombard social media with our beautiful, unobtainable figures. You’re welcome!”

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So apparently we weren't meant to look directly at the sun?

OKAY, apparently I missed something in yesterday’s eclipse coverage? Why did nobody mention it was a bad idea to stare directly into the sun for 90 seconds?

Where else was I meant to look? Newsflash: it was happening right at the sun. Look anywhere else in the sky and you’ll see nothing. I literally had no choice.

And no, I didn’t have eclipse glasses because they only announced it the day before and there weren’t any by the tills at Asda. It’s fine, I’ve seen the sun before. I see the sun literally every day. I’m experienced.

Anyway, if there were any day to look at the sun, surely yesterday was the day? When half of it was covered up? The headlines should have been ‘Looking at sun safer than ever, don’t miss out’.

Catching up now, it does explain all the freaks out with colanders and Frosties boxes. So their idea of seeing an eclipse is looking at a centimetre-high projection of it on an A3 pad last used for GCSE revision? Cool life, loser.

I didn’t mess about with any of that. I rawdogged that eclipse. Gave it a proper look, because for the first ten or so seconds I was pretty dazzled and had to squint. And in fact most of the minute or so after that.

Worth it though, because everywhere I looked after that I got afterimages and they all had that eclipse shape. I staggered down off that hill having seen more eclipse than any of those health-and-safety dickheads.

Value for money too, because I’m still seeing it. Even after a night’s sleep there are little eclipses all over my vision. By sidestepping that advice I’ve made this once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon last.

Unrelated, I’ve got a bloody awful headache and everything seems a bit dim. Sure paracetamol will fix it.

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