Six inches of snow well above average, say men

MEN have pointed out that the six inches of snow due to fall on the country is much, much more than the national average.

Britain’s males have been quick to highlight that while it might not sound that big, six inches of snow is freakishly uncommon and well above what anyone could reasonably expect to see on a day-to-to-day basis.

Martin Bishop from Dumfries said: “Your expectations have been skewed by movies like The Day After Tomorrow. You know that’s all fake, right? In real life you’d be lucky to see the ground packing three inches of the white stuff, max.

“Besides, six inches is grossly excessive. Where’s it all going to go? People who live in places with that amount of snow might act all cocky, but deep down they know that most of it is going to waste.”

Norman Steele from Hastings added: “Speaking from personal experience, a micro amount is better. If I had to choose between six inches or a couple of centimetres, I’d go for the latter every time.

“And don’t listen to those bullshitters claiming to have nine inches. They’re either rounding up, not measuring it properly, or both. No way anything could be that size, especially in these chilly temperatures.”

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Keir Starmer gives up on green pledge and life

LABOUR leader Sir Keir Starmer has announced he has given up on his £28 billion green investment pledge and also life.

Starmer will announce later today that the party is dropping its pledge because of the fiscal chaos caused by Conservative economic mismanagement, and he no longer gives a f**k about pretty much anything.

He said: “You know when you try, and you try and you try, and it makes no difference and eventually you realise how deeply you’ve hated it and for how long and just stop? That.

“I firmly believe that the green pledge could have saved Britain and to some extent our whole future. That I no longer care gives you an indication of where I am now.

“There’s no money left, there’s no credit, and there’s no optimism. Even if I get elected, and frankly fine by me if I don’t, nothing will improve. I intend to spend my time in Downing Street doing bong hits while watching repeats of Cheers.

“My time in office will make Boris Johnson look dynamic. I’ll meet world leaders wearing my slippers. When scandals break I’ll shrug and shuffle back inside. I’ll do what I can if I can be arsed. That’s my new pledge to you.”

Nathan Muir of Northampton said: “Labour had a policy? This is the first I’m hearing of it.”