Spring vastly overrated

SPRING is more or less the same as winter, it has been confirmed.

The first day of spring has brought all day rain and sub-zero temperatures in parts of the UK, causing the public to question how exactly it differs from the rain and sub-zero temperatures of the winter months.

Meteorologist Bill McKay said: “There are really only two seasons in Britain: winter and those two weeks where people take their tops off in the park.

“But we managed to create this imaginary ‘season’ where repeated bursts of sudden heavy rain are somehow a good thing and everyone pretends that daffodils are something more than a desperation gift for a mother-in-law.

“We also convinced the public that November is ‘cosy’ and that for some reason it’s nice when leaves decay in ‘autumn’. “

However accountant Emma Bradford said: “It may be hailing but it’s a nice, refreshing hail. So different to the bleak miserable hail of last week.”

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Man who claims to be European getting on everyone's tits

A MAN who keeps saying he sees himself as European is rapidly becoming very annoying, everyone has decided.

Teacher Martin Bishop, from Nottingham, frequently claims to have a strong sense of European identity despite only having been to France three times on holiday.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I think Martin imagines he’s a sophisticated European citizen who spends his time at Berlin film festivals when he’s not shagging enigmatic Parisian women.

“I appreciate he doesn’t agree with Brexit, but the only foreign language he knows is weird GCSE French phrases like ‘Can you tell me the way to the fishmonger?’

“It’s totally ridiculous because there’s no way British people think ‘Ah, another day in Europe’ when they’re watching Eastenders or standing in the queue in Greggs.

“Martin needs to shut the fuck up about Europe or move there, but he won’t do that because he’d just end up living in a hostel until his money ran out.”

Bishop said: “We Europeans are more cosmopolitan than your average Briton. That’s why we appreciate unpleasantly strong coffee and films about university professors having doomed lesbian affairs with their students.

“Sadly my friends prefer to stay in their little Anglo-centric bubble and aren’t interested in coming over to eat calves’ liver and watch the European Parliament Channel.”