Woman makes three new friends every time she visits a toilet

A MAN cannot understand how his girlfriend returns from a ‘quick wee’ with several phone numbers and someone’s life story.

Nathan Muir, 29, has lost hours of his life standing outside ladies loos waiting for girlfriend Nikki Hollis to return, usually while she is deep in conversation with some strange women about something highly personal.

Muir said: “I just can’t figure out what happens in there. Every public toilet I’ve been into is disgusting, silent and somehow shameful, but Nikki always comes striding out like she’s just starred in a particularly empowering episode of Sex and the City. 

“Then she tells me in great detail about some guy who has been a shit to her new friend Carol and is very angry about it even though they only met for two minutes by a soap dispenser.

“How do women make going for a piss compatible with making friends? Having never been in a women’s toilet I imagine it’s a cross between Thelma & Louise and a soft porn pillow fight with a soundtrack by Little Mix.”

He added: “I really don’t understand women, do I?”

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Jubilant Brexiters shitting themselves

BREXIT supporters are celebrating while desperately trying to ignore all evidence that they are idiots.

Leave voters’ joy at leaving the EU has been tempered by nagging doubts that they may have done something quite stupid and people will be very angry with them.

Sales manager Wayne Hayes said: “I’m delighted Brexit is going ahead, but also a bit worried all my neighbours will lose their jobs and lock me in my shed and set fire to it.

“I’ll still be cracking open the champagne tonight, though. I need a drink to stop worrying about a recession and me having to scratch a living washing cars at traffic lights.”

Hairdresser Mary Fisher said: “If I have doubts I just keep saying ‘We’re taking back control!’ to myself to block out negative thoughts like ‘Shit, that shopping was expensive’.

“However it does worry me that all the Brexit politicians turned out to be self-serving toerags and David Frost looks like the kind of middle-manager who headbutts you when you’ve cut up his Audi.”