Sesame Street introduces first paranoid right-wing character

SOCIALLY inclusive children’s show Sesame Street is to introduce a paranoid right-wing crab who loves guns, Fox News and internet conspiracies.

After the introduction of an autistic character, the show felt it should also represent the Americans who believe Obama was worse than Hitler and own assault rifles.

A spokesman said: “Jimmy the Conspiracy Crab is a muppet in a Trump baseball cap who tells Elmo the Muslims are planning to kill him while he sleeps.  

“He’s violently opposed to any form of gun control and at one point almost blows Big Bird’s head off with an AR-15 assault rifle because he forgot to put the safety catch on and got his claw caught in the trigger guard.

“In another episode he stands outside Bert and Ernie’s apartment for hours with a megaphone berating them as perverted homosexuals who will perish in a lake of liquid fire.

“However that’s fairly mild in comparison to his song about the Holocaust being a hoax.”

Five-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “Today Jimmy told Cookie Monster about the End Times and how he will burn in Hell for coveting cookies and Cookie Monster cried.”


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Apple denies all knowledge of Apple Watch

APPLE has denied that the Apple Watch ever existed.

The unpopular wrist-computer, also known as the iWatch or Crapple Watch, combined time-telling functions with the ability to display emails on a really tiny screen.

However Apple CEO Tim Cook said it was a hoax: “You may have read some stuff online about a type of watch gadget but clearly we would never do anything like that.

“I mean, we’re Apple, we’re mates with rappers and we do cool futuristic computer stuff, not some lame thing that looks like it came out of an upmarket Christmas cracker in 1992.

“This is a prime example of what I believe they are now calling ‘fake news’.”

However sales executive Roy Hobbs claims to own an Apple Watch. He said: “I bought it from the Apple shop – sorry, ‘store’ – there’s no way it’s fake.

“It shows when my heart is beating fast which is really useful, because there’s otherwise no way I would know things like that.”

Tim Cook added: “I repeat, there is no way we would ever dick about with something so ridiculous. Guys, let’s not even talk about it any more.”