Volkswagen owners retro-fitted with climate change denial

ELEVEN million VW drivers have been recalled to the factory to be fitted with scepticism about man-made global warming.

The filters, fitted between the brain’s cognitive functions and speech centres, will allow diesel drivers to smoothly and efficiently call the whole basis of climate change into question.

A Volkswagen spokesman said: “With this new device, they will confidently throw out plausible-sounding observations about NASA’s faked hockey-stick graph and the stability of Antarctic ice cores that will pass 90 per cent of challenges.

“Otherwise they would just mumble out a load of discredited guff like ‘If there’s global warming then how come it snowed last winter?’

“The hardware includes a defeat device which shuts it down if the Volkswagen driver is engaged in conversation with anyone who actually knows what they’re talking about.”

Stephen Malley, who drives a diesel VW Scirocco, said: “Climate change can only pose a danger if we admit that it exists.

“It’s kind of like the Candyman in that respect.”

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Richard Dawkins devolving

PROFESSOR Richard Dawkins is moving backward on the evolutionary ladder, it has emerged.

The biologist’s increasingly domed brow, protruding jaw and tendency to believe anything he sees on YouTube prove that is he regressing from Homo sapiens towards a more prehistoric form. 

Professor Helen Archer said: “The last time I saw Richard was at a faculty dinner where, after we’d finished our lamb shanks, he seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time puzzling over the bone. 

“But it wasn’t until I saw his tweets about that American kid’s clock thing that I realised his mental capacity had regressed to that of a hominid from the Pliocene epoch.

“The obvious explanation is that he created some kind of chemical compound that reverses evolution then, when refused further funding, decided to prove everybody wrong by testing it on himself. “

Dawkins, painted in red ochre and carrying a flint spear, said: ““Hunt bees for honey. 

“Honey taste good.”