Volkswagen owners retro-fitted with climate change denial

ELEVEN million VW drivers have been recalled to the factory to be fitted with scepticism about man-made global warming.

The filters, fitted between the brain’s cognitive functions and speech centres, will allow diesel drivers to smoothly and efficiently call the whole basis of climate change into question.

A Volkswagen spokesman said: “With this new device, they will confidently throw out plausible-sounding observations about NASA’s faked hockey-stick graph and the stability of Antarctic ice cores that will pass 90 per cent of challenges.

“Otherwise they would just mumble out a load of discredited guff like ‘If there’s global warming then how come it snowed last winter?’

“The hardware includes a defeat device which shuts it down if the Volkswagen driver is engaged in conversation with anyone who actually knows what they’re talking about.”

Stephen Malley, who drives a diesel VW Scirocco, said: “Climate change can only pose a danger if we admit that it exists.

“It’s kind of like the Candyman in that respect.”