Time travel ‘only effective hangover cure’

A NEW hangover cure enables sufferers to travel back in time and rethink their drinking decisions.

Chrono-Fix is a pill that transports hangover sufferers back in time, giving them the chance to persuade slightly earlier versions of themselves to take it easy on the booze.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “After waking up feeling like a dizzy alco-husk I went back in time and persuaded me to have a fry-up and a pint of milk to line my stomach before I went out.

“I explained to myself that it was vitally important to just have a maximum of four pints, not attempt to chat up a woman who was clearly uninterested and to get an early night after drinking two large glasses of water.

“But then ‘past time me’ convinced time traveller me to have a couple of Jagerbombs and told everyone in the pub to come and meet someone from the future.

“Now I can’t stop vomiting and I’ve created an alternative timeline where I lost my phone in some shitty club.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
?On Monday you take a knife to a gun fight and are excused the fight by the teacher in charge and allowed to go on the computers in the library.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You score highly on being sexy, intense and observant, but low on being trusting or optimistic, so Aries wins this round of Zodiac Top Trumps and takes all your cards.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Tomorrow, expect to see the constellation of your star sign for the first time and realise it looks not like an archer, but like roadkill. Which is how you’ve always felt inside.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As a barnyard animal sign, you will spend the next week campaigning for politicians to let their livestock lovers live.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week, you dream you are a butterfly dreaming of being a man dreaming of a threesome with Tom Hardy and Patsy Kensit in her 1980s heyday.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The ‘gamble responsibly’ signs in your bookies don’t seem to be working as you bet your mate £300 that they would be introduced in 2012.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
After rehearsing a really good chant for when your team wins you realise with disappointment that you’re a Liverpool fan and as such unlikely to use it this side of Christmas.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)?
Scorpio enters your sign tomorrow night, crawling across your face while you’re asleep and sucking moisture out from under your eyelids.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)?
You share your star sign with Jeremy Corbyn, and like him you are a threat to the country’s security, economic security and ordinary hard-working families’ security, you bastard.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your first day as a Westminster barber goes badly on Monday when the Prime Minister comes in for a trim, you tell him ‘lean back’ and he goes absolutely spare.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)?
After your tenants association agree a new treasurer, vote on the introduction of ‘No Ball Game’ signs and report on the success of the recent bake sale, talk inevitably turns to the eight-foot statue of a naked Noel Edmonds you’ve erected in your garden.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)?
You pride yourself as a patient and generous lover but given that you live in Carlisle that simply means you push the seats back in your car and switch the heater on.