Weather forecasters warn of high risk of dickheads this weekend

EXPERTS are urging the public to take care during this weekend’s hot weather due to a sharp rise in dickheads.

With temperatures set to reach 26 degrees, the Met Office has issued an official warning to alert people to the risk of wankered daytime drinkers, tubby tattooed men without shirts and other hazards.

Meteorologist Norman Steele said: “The hot weather is guaranteed to bring out every boozy, lobster-faced cretin, 42-year-old skateboarder and twat with a frisbee.

“Try to avoid beaches as they will rammed with shrieking Lambrini drinkers. Also avoid public fountains unless you want to see tiresome exhibitionists predictably dancing in them.

“Our advice is to stay indoors and under no circumstances go to your local park, as the yobs will be out in force. Also avoid roads, as they will be full of drivers who genuinely believe you’re impressed by shit techno.

“If you absolutely must go outside, wait for the weather to improve with some rain. A light shower makes dickheads rush indoors screaming, for some reason.”

Although dickhead levels will be high, it is not thought they will reach last year’s record-breaking spell of drunken sunburn victims and idiots jumping off cliffs.

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The latest cute phrases that will make you want to puke

AFTER the success of ‘sleeps’ and ‘holibobs’, the world’s idiots have decided more twee words and phrases are needed. Here are the latest ones.

‘Cakey cakey nom noms’: cakes

If you’re the sort of person who is unnaturally interested in cakes – and finds them somehow excitingly forbidden – you will feel no shame in saying, “Anyone fancy some cakey cakey nom noms?”

‘Topperooni’: good, excellent

Can be used in any situation, so long as you’re a twat, eg. “I did 250 bench presses today.” “Topperooni, mate. I did some good work on my abs with the kettlebells.”

‘Naughty time’: sex

Perfect for the Mumsnet generation who love this sort of twee shit. Expect them soon to be excitedly typing: “DD and DS @ sleepovers so LOTS of naughty time with DH!!!” “Need sum naughty time too, hunz!!!”

‘Binkitrimbo’: bank holiday

Just for consistency it’s good to have a nauseating term for bank holidays as well as holidays in general, except that anyone who says “Josh and I are just going to chillax on the binkitrimbo” clearly needs to be shot.

‘Deathibobs’: dying/being dead

Society’s inexplicable love of twee phrases means that in a few years’ time it will be normal to attend a funeral where the vicar says: “We are here today to mourn the deathibobs of George Alfred Jackson…”