Monday, 6th July 2020

Weather forecasters warn of high risk of dickheads this weekend

EXPERTS are urging the public to take care during this weekend’s hot weather due to a sharp rise in dickheads.

With temperatures set to reach 26 degrees, the Met Office has issued an official warning to alert people to the risk of wankered daytime drinkers, tubby tattooed men without shirts and other hazards.

Meteorologist Norman Steele said: “The hot weather is guaranteed to bring out every boozy, lobster-faced cretin, 42-year-old skateboarder and twat with a frisbee.

“Try to avoid beaches as they will rammed with shrieking Lambrini drinkers. Also avoid public fountains unless you want to see tiresome exhibitionists predictably dancing in them.

“Our advice is to stay indoors and under no circumstances go to your local park, as the yobs will be out in force. Also avoid roads, as they will be full of drivers who genuinely believe you’re impressed by shit techno.

“If you absolutely must go outside, wait for the weather to improve with some rain. A light shower makes dickheads rush indoors screaming, for some reason.”

Although dickhead levels will be high, it is not thought they will reach last year’s record-breaking spell of drunken sunburn victims and idiots jumping off cliffs.