Have you got a totally lame addiction?

IT’S currently normal to claim you’ve got an addiction when really it’s just something you like doing. See if you are suffering from any of these bullshit addictions.

Social media addiction

A tragic addiction, in the sense that you’re constantly refreshing Facebook to see if you’ve got ‘likes’ for your tedious holiday photos. Friends and family will ‘like’ them anyway, even if they hate your pictures and you.

High-quality drama addiction

Who wouldn’t want to see ‘just one more’ episode of the latest hit Netflix show? However the worst outcome of this ‘addiction’ will be staying up till 3am and feeling really tired in the morning, not cooking up some heroin and planning a busy day of shoplifting.

Caffeine addiction

Favoured by square people, this is probably the shittest pretend addiction ever. If you can say without irony that you “just can’t function without a double espresso” you should have your arms and legs chopped off to give you a sense of perspective.

Mirror addiction  

It’s easy to get hooked on finding out if your hair looks any different from 30 seconds ago. However this addiction can be cured without months of rehab by realising you basically look the same even after you’ve paid £120 for a haircut.

Attention-seeking addiction

A genuine addiction that involves sucking people into stupid melodramas and problems, according to psychologists. However a radical new therapy is available, known as ‘Just ignore them’.

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Incredibly picky girlfriend refuses to have sex under filthy duvet

A MAN’S girlfriend is putting on airs and graces about bed linen that hardly smells at all, he has revealed.

Nikki Hollis refused to stay the night at boyfriend Tom Logan’s flat, citing the cleanliness of his duvet cover, despite it being freshly washed in February and only fairly rancid.

Logan said: “I used to think Nikki was a down-to-earth person, but it seems my duvet isn’t good enough for her. What next? Will she expect me to get a four-poster bed?

“My duvet isn’t ‘rank’ as Nikki claimed. Yes, some bits have an odd yellow hue, but that’s what happens to cotton. It discolours. And turns hard. It certainly doesn’t smell of ‘sweaty pigs on a hot day’.

“I’m worried she’s one of these horrible WAG types who want the perfect lifestyle. Well I’m sorry Nikki, but if you want to spend your time in spotless mansions and private jets you’d better find yourself a millionaire.

“I could be wrong and she’s suddenly developed a germ-phobia like Howard Hughes, and now sees a perfectly normal duvet as teeming with filth. That would make sense.”

However Hollis said: “If I’d slept under that duvet I would have thrown up. And I’m pretty sure Tom would have just moved the sick to one side and kept sleeping under the other half.”