ONLY an idiot would think that the myth of climate change sparked the Suffolk wildfire. Armchair expert Martin Bishop explains the real causes.
God’s wrath
Climate change is a relatively new theory, and a rather flimsy one at that. Religion on the other hand has been around for millennia and people swear by it. By that bulletproof logic, the inferno creeping nearer Sizewell is more likely to be the Almighty’s rage at your many sins. Beg for forgiveness with a quick prayer and it’ll instantly die down.
Spain
As with every other problem facing the country, Europe is to blame. If the Spanish hadn’t been taking siestas then they could have got their own wildfires under control. Instead, a few cinders floated 846 miles up to Suffolk and now the whole area’s looking a bit scorched. What caused their wildfire? Shoddy EUSSR regulations, obviously.
Zack Polanski
If the Green party had been more effective at highlighting the side effects of so-called climate change then we wouldn’t be in this mess. Instead, their leader Zack Polanski has been too busy inciting murder by accidentally re-posting dangerous content. Farage would do a much better job at protecting the environment by simply believing nothing’s going wrong with it.
The hosepipe ban
Water comes out of hoses. Fires are put out by water. Do you see the problem here or do I have to spell it out? This is as stupid as saving people from a plane crash by banning parachutes. If firefighters weren’t ignoring this stupid restriction then the whole country would be ablaze. That’s a scientific fact, unlike climate change.
Harry and Meghan
The disgraced couple visited the UK, then a fortnight later Suffolk burst into flames. Coincidence? I think not. They likely tossed a few matches and briquettes onto the area in vengeance for being rightly exiled. It’s the sort of attention-seeking behaviour the privacy-loving twosome enjoy. Mission accomplished, guys. I hope it was worth it.
