Wolves desperate to appear on tasteful clothes

WOLVES are furious at being depicted on tat including poor quality fleece jackets and cheap t-shirts, it has emerged.

The lupine carnivores are now threatening to bite more hikers if wolf imagery doesn’t start getting used on nice things.

Alpha male wolf Tom Logan said: “Somehow our species has become synonymous with tasteless rubbish.

“Walk around any provincial market and you’ll see black t-shirts with a horrible airbrushed design of some wolf howling at the moon, probably with the slogan ‘Call of the Wild’ or some faux-Native American bollocks about how you can’t eat money.

“I’d like to see us on something cool. How about Manolo Blahnik shoes with wolves on the heels? That could work, if it was done right.

“Or a cashmere polo neck with wolves all over it. I’ve got loads of ideas, if I wasn’t out hunting all the time I’d do them myself.”

She-wolf Emma Bradford said: “I quite like Cath Kidston, maybe she’d do a wolf-pattern apron.

“As a wolf I don’t normally wear clothes but a nice feminine apron, fashionable but not intimidatingly trendy, would be handy for keeping my pelt free of gore while I’m tearing at the steaming innards of an elk.”



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Murray to use shameless flirtation against Tsonga

ANDY Murray will deploy strategic gay come-ons to distract Jo Wilfried Tsonga at Wimbledon today, it has been claimed.

Murray, who is known for his flamboyant personality, will use sexual innuendo and lurid gestures to make Tsonga feel incredibly awkward.

Murray camp insider Tom Logan said: “Andy will begin the match by writing his mobile number on a tennis ball in lipstick and then serving it at Tsonga’s groin.

“The hefty Frenchman, wondering what the fuck is going on, will look up to see Murray silently mouthing the words ‘I want you’ and stroking the shaft of his racquet as if it were a man’s penis – specifically, Tsonga’s penis.

“Tsonga will look at the umpire but the umpire will just shrug – the last thing Wimbledon needs is accusations of homophobia.

“When the players change ends, Murray will give Tsonga a playful tap on the backside with his racquet. And during breaks in play Andy will pretend to be too weak to unscrew to cap on his mineral water, protesting loudly that he needs the help of a ‘big strong man’.

“Tsonga will be forced by politeness to grudgingly assist while Murray ogles his rippling biceps, creating a simmering rage that will make all his serves go out.

“To complete the onslaught, when Andy bends over to pick up a ball he will ensure he’s facing away from Tsonga, then look back at him over his shoulder with a wink while his arse is still in the air.

“I should add that this is perfectly legal. There are no rules against fancying your opponent.”