'Property ladder' replaced by 'treacherous property rope bridge'

THE metaphorical ‘property ladder’ is to be replaced by a rickety and unstable ‘property rope bridge’, spanning a yawning property chasm filled with property crocodiles.

The new metaphor will officially replace the outdated ‘ladder’ motif – traditionally used to describe an individual’s progress through the housing marketing – from early August.

Nikki Hollis, head of the government’s housing metaphor think tank, said: “Henceforth, those formerly on the ‘first rung’ of the property ladder will find themselves ‘hanging by a fraying property rope over a fast-flowing river’.

“First-time buyers will be able to imagine their bank manager as Mola Ram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, laughing and hacking away at the ropes.

“The traditional ‘ladder’ image, with its attendant sense of robustness, order, and a sturdy place to rest your full body weight without plunging to your death, has been outdated for almost a decade.

“This new metaphor will illustrate all of the unpleasantness and jeopardy of attempting to buy or sell a house in the current property market.

“Or ‘property jungle’, as it will now be referred to.”

Other metaphors that were considered include ‘property three-legged stool’ and ‘property red-light district’, in which the homeowner would walk the streets dressed only in a skimpy dress made of their life savings, attempting to attract the interest of leering estate agents in passing Mini Coopers with their logo painted on them.

 

 

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Rooney punches his horse

WAYNE Rooney has assaulted his own horse in a fit of jealous rage after it won a race.

The Astroturf-pated England meanderer part-owns the horse Youartisonfire. He initially bought the animal with the intention of eating it under a bridge, but realised its racing potential after it galloped away as he attempted to douse it in ketchup.

Jockey Tom Logan said: “I was brushing down the horse after it won at Haydock Park when Wayne appeared, accused it of being a smart arse and trying to show him up, then sparked it out with a single blow to the nose.

“He then kept asking the unconscious horse whether it thought it was better than him. I tried to reason with Wayne but quickly realised the inherent irony of explaining to a footballer that dumb animals don’t understand words.”

Rooney has ordered that the horse runs future races with Ashley Young strapped to its back, to ‘see how many things it manages to win then’.

He has also shaved its mane and given the hair to his trichologist with a view to transplanting it onto his head, despite warnings it may make him look like Andy Carroll.

According to Rooney’s handlers, he has also had anything that has ever won any sort of award removed from his house, leaving his £4 million pen full of not-quite-state-of-the-art gadgets and good-but-not-brilliant food.

Logan added: “The horse is okay now but when I tried to feed it a potato it absolutely freaked out.”