Army cuts to create world-class vigilantes

THE axing of five British army battalions will create hundreds of movie-style vigilantes ready to fight crime by their own rules, the government has claimed.

Ministers believe a massive influx of embittered, muscular men with bad hair and survival skills will give the UK a calibre of vigilante not seen since New York in the 1970s.

Justice Secretary Ken Clarke said: “This is the Big Society sprung into hard-hitting, shotgun-pumping, no-mercy action.

“The former soldiers will return to their once-peaceful home towns, only to find police cuts have turned them into hotbeds of drugs, gambling and prostitution, probably controlled by a gang called ‘The Skulls’ with mohicans and matching leather jackets.

“That’s when our heroes spring into life – paranoid, embittered and ready to start a war, they’ll uses a variety of weapons from guns to strimmers to clean up the streets, possibly even feeding a gangster into some sort of wood-pulping machine along the way.

“Instead of overpaid police filling in paperwork your neighbourhood will be protected by a loner combat veteran in Ray Bans and stonewashed denim, who carries a bazooka and probably has a pet eagle.

“Within days the crime rate will be virtually zero. And rest assured, if our vigilantes get out of hand and start running amok with flamethrowers, we’ll get helicopter snipers to come and kill them.”

Lance corporal Tom Booker, discharged after six years’ loyal service in Iraq and Afghanistan, has moved his wife and daughter into a near-derelict house at ground zero in a vicious drug war.

He said: “Pretty soon, they’ll be kidnapped by street thugs and I’ve got all the motivation I need for a revenge bloodbath complete with improvised explosives, grim post-killing quips, and a final stand-off on a roof.”



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Who's who in the Royal Box

As Andy Murray thrashed the living daylights out of some pathetic foreigner, the Wimbledon Royal Box was once again a who’s who of people who are infinitely better than scum like you.

1. Britain’s most important owl  2. The Duchess of Sex  3. Balding, effeminate millionaire, married to the Duchess of Sex  4. All England Club vice-chairman Frank Otter  5. Parky  6. Mary Parky  7. The teacher from The Breakfast Club  8. Dracula, £250,000 a year vampire  9. Chairman Mao, £250,000 a year Chinese maniac  10. Good Life bombshell Felicity Kendal. What a shame.  11. Sheila from the canteen has snuck in again. Cheeky bitch.  12. Man with giant Afro  13. Fuck knows. Some arsehole probably.  14. Kate Middleton’s secret mum  15. Big Ian. Not to be trifled with.  16. Helena Bonham-Carter 17. Klaatu from The Day the Earth Stood Still. Not to be trifled with.  18. The Ghost of Wimbledon