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Woman merges with pleather sofa

HEATWAVE temperatures have made a woman become a single entity with her ‘pleather’ sofa. 

After weeks of noticing her skin stick to her fake leather sofa, the latest bout of hot weather finally caused Joanna Kramer’s sweaty body to sink into its upholstery with no possibility of ever separating them.

Kramer, 32, said: “It was like falling in love. Slow at first, then all at once. Although it’s even better than love because I found some loose change too.

“You might think that being a sofa is a downgrade. I can’t go to Alton Towers anymore and men will sit their big hairy arses on me. I’m facing the telly though so it’s not all bad.

“Besides, I’m more useful as a sofa. Before this I was wasting my time working for a charity, now people get to place their hot drinks on my arm rests. I should have done this years ago.

“I’d appreciate it if people kept the farting on me to a minimum though. Not that I can smell their gas because I don’t have a nose anymore. It’s more of a principle thing, really.”

Kramer’s housemate Louise said: “It’s the sofa I feel sorry for. If I were in its place, trapped with Joanna for the rest of my life, I’d be begging for someone to set me on fire.”

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I won, so Binface now faces a parliamentary investigation over a £5m donation. That is how elections work

I TRIUMPHED in the Clacton by-election, therefore Count Binface must face the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Because that is democracy in action.

It is he, as the Clacton loser, who must answer questions about a £5m gift from a convicted fraudster. He who must explain why that same fraudster’s mother donated millions to Reform. He will face the grilling.

Frankly I can’t wait. After all the trouble he’s caused, the day when this metal miscreant is dragged away by police and forced to give straight answers – was the money a gift? Spent on security? Where are the receipts? – has been a long time coming.

And when, as I suspect, he cannot answer to the police’s satisfaction, I look forward to him facing the consequences. A recall election, his replacement by a younger, hungrier Binface, and prison. It is what he deserves.

To those who say ‘but it was you who received the £5 million’, allow me to introduce you to an English institution called democracy. One in which the people of Clacton, representing the whole UK, have just taken part.

They decided, resoundingly, that I am not guilty of any crime, misdemeanour or malfeasance. This jury of all that is good and true about Britain voted overwhelmingly to assign my so-called ‘crimes’ to Binface.

He knew that was the deal when he put himself up for election. Winner takes all. Loser takes the blame. Hope the metal hat’s still funny when you’re doing life inside.

And if I have fundamentally misunderstood the whole process, I shall hold another by-election and when I win my interpretation will be vindicated and made law. Because that is how elections work.

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