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Six annoying traits of your partner that are particularly fun on holiday

IS your holiday is a gruelling test of your love for your partner? Here are some behaviours you wish they’d saved for when you’re not in their company 24/7 after spending a fortune.

Sulking

Sulking is childish and annoying at the best of times, but worse if it’s over some trivial holiday thing like not wanting to buy a hideous souvenir donkey. If the relationship isn’t too serious you may even feel they’re a pain the arse you should split up with. Although you won’t be telling them immediately, because it’s nice to have someone to eat sardines with and shag on holiday. 

Total lack of basic planning skills

It’s clearly hot, so did they bring a bottle of water? No. Let’s go back to that shop you pointed out earlier which sold it. They didn’t bring sunscreen either? Well, it’s the last thing you’d think of when going to the beach. Their sunglasses are back at the hotel, so can they borrow yours? Of course, my sweet… and so the irritation builds until you’re scared to go up that historic tower in case you push them off it.

Unadventurous eating

It’s rare that food on holiday is wildly exotic – you’re hardly likely to be served a whole fried monkey in the Algarve. The problem arises when your partner hates food not totally sanitised like in Sainsbury’s, and is horrified and disgusted by a fish having a head. Don’t worry, you’ll speak to the waiter and get them to turn it into oblongs in breadcrumbs.

Pointless money-saving

On holiday you’ve got to accept a fair bit of unplanned expenditure in the name of spontaneity and having a good time. However your partner may feel a holiday you’ve already spent thousands on is a good time to economise on minor costs. And who doesn’t love debating at length whether your should purchase each individual ice cream?

Worthy interests 

It’s traditional on holiday to do worthy things you don’t do at home like visiting a cathedral. That’s probably why they’ve all got gargoyles – to alleviate the boredom. However there’s a limit, and you really don’t want your partner to suddenly discover a deep interest in wine production or local history. If they’re that interested in the Moorish conquest of the Iberian Peninsula they should have gone on holiday with David Starkey.

Personal habits 

Snorting, making a clicking sound with your tongue, picking your nose and other such habits are tolerable occasionally. However on holiday you’re with your beloved constantly so those little irritations are magnified to the size of Jupiter. Has a boyfriend ever been beaten to death with an espadrille because he kept sniffing? It’s likely. The Spanish courts probably don’t even consider it an offence.

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Six alternative uses for your dusty, dried-out local park

SO much for the saying ‘the grass is always greener’. If your local park is now a useless, arid wasteland, here are some alternative purposes for it.

New Dune filming location

As the franchise continues, why not email Chris Nolan to say he can save money on the sets? Large sandy patches can be found everywhere in your park, so it’s a lot like Arrakis if you CGI out the children’s swings. And think of the boost to the local economy of Timothée Chalamet plodding disconsolately around being hassled by hangry pigeons.

Exfoliating spa treatment

People pay to get their skin scrubbed with sugar, salt and even crystals, so why not use a mix of crispy park debris? Dust, grit and dead leaves are all natural – 100 per cent organic and sustainable, if you will – so give them a deep cleanse with that. Don’t forget to charge 150 quid.

Living history educational trip

Middle-class parents love to take their kids to educational Viking centres, but why not learn about the horrors of Dust Bowl America by experiencing it themselves? Make them trudge around the drought-stricken park all day asking confused sunbathers if ‘any of these here farms are hiring’. You could read bits of The Grapes of Wrath to them but it’s heavy going, so just throw away their packed lunches to simulate constant, gnawing hunger instead. 

‘Upsetting baby’ sensory class

It’s fashionable to introduce your toddler to happy sounds, bubbles and lovely soft textures, but aren’t kids soft and cossetted enough already these days? It’s time for them to learn the harsh realities of life by making them sit on hard, dry ground while you throw dirt and twigs at them. It’s character building. 

Immersive climate change experience

Some people still won’t accept that consistently climbing temperatures are indicators of man-made climate change. Time to ship in these contrarian politicians and influencers and lock them in the hell of your local park for several days. They’ll soon get a taste of global drought and food shortages when the ice cream van goes home for the night.

Supplies of hamster bedding

With all the green grass reduced to straw, parks are ideal for stocking up on free bedding for hamsters, mice and gerbils. Their cages will become pet paradises as you fill them with interesting new dusty straw. Don’t worry if the dried-out park grass is a bit dirty – it’s like the finest Egyptian cotton to them, because they’re basically rats.

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