Woman refuses to accept that her cat is normal

A CAT owner is convinced that her pet is unique.

38-year-old Emma Bradford clings to the misguided belief that her pet has a personality that is not entirely typical of a cat.

She said: “Muffin will just go to sleep anywhere – in a box, on a car bonnet, even on a kitchen worktop. He is such a crazy character.

“When he wants food he’ll come and say to me ‘please mummy can I have some food’, just like a person. Obviously he says that in a series of meows but clearly that is what he’s saying.

“He likes to watch the TV quiz programme Pointless, or at least he doesn’t leave the room when it is on. That’s because he is an animal genius.”

Animal psychologist Norman Steele said: “There’s only one unusual creature in that household, and it’s the one wearing a Monsoon dress.”

Bradford added: “It’s amazing sharing my life with such a unique and unusually intelligent animal as Muffin, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

“Someone should make a documentary or feature film about it, perhaps like Garfield crossed with Born Free. I would be played by Charlize Theron.”

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Future prime minister has one and only drug experience

THE MAN who will one day be Britain’s prime minister has smoked cannabis for the first and only time.

The student, currently a 19 year-old at Oxford University, last night took the three drags on a spliff that will, in a quarter of a century, prove that he too had his wild years.

Roommate Tom Logan said: “He giggled, made a confusing joke about not being gay, went white and disappeared to the bathroom where we all heard him crying while he was sick.”

The future prime minister said: “I do not believe that young, white, middle-class people should be penalised for experimentation with drugs.

“From now on anything I say about drugs comes from a rational, informed point of view, which is the only reason I smoked the ganja in the first place.”