Sunday, 9th August 2020

Blue passports to double as ration books

POST-BREXIT blue passports are to double as Second World War-style ration booklets to make everyone really proud of being British again.

The passports, which are now being issued just as all other countries refuse access to Britons in a perfectly-timed metaphor, will also allow citizens to claim a weekly four ounces of butter, two ounces of loose tea and eight ounces of sugar.

Helen Archer of Dorking said: “Will it be hard to manage on six ounces of ham a week? Yes. Is that less important to me than stopping foreigners getting it? Also yes.

“This blue passport is everything petty-minded, mean and great about our country. It’s witless xenophobia and our love of queueing all in one package.

“It might not get you abroad but it’ll get you powdered eggs, margarine and spam, and it’s got pictures of British heroes like Agatha Christie, Diana Dors and Bonar Law inside to really make your patriotism swell.”

22-year-old Jordan Gardner said: “It says here I’ve got to smoke eight Woodbines a week, or forfeit all my other rations. Is that legal?”