Blue passports to double as ration books

POST-BREXIT blue passports are to double as Second World War-style ration booklets to make everyone really proud of being British again.

The passports, which are now being issued just as all other countries refuse access to Britons in a perfectly-timed metaphor, will also allow citizens to claim a weekly four ounces of butter, two ounces of loose tea and eight ounces of sugar.

Helen Archer of Dorking said: “Will it be hard to manage on six ounces of ham a week? Yes. Is that less important to me than stopping foreigners getting it? Also yes.

“This blue passport is everything petty-minded, mean and great about our country. It’s witless xenophobia and our love of queueing all in one package.

“It might not get you abroad but it’ll get you powdered eggs, margarine and spam, and it’s got pictures of British heroes like Agatha Christie, Diana Dors and Bonar Law inside to really make your patriotism swell.”

22-year-old Jordan Gardner said: “It says here I’ve got to smoke eight Woodbines a week, or forfeit all my other rations. Is that legal?”

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Man meets date for socially distanced stroll in the park like a Jane Austen novel

A MAN meeting a date for a stately stroll around blooming gardens without touching at any point feels like Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice, he has admitted. 

Jack Browne squired date Charlotte Phelps around Lyme Park remarking on sights like oak trees and deer while occasionally checking he was in the right century.

He said: “We met after exchanging flirty messages on Hinge, which is basically the modern age version of love letters. Except with more aubergine emojis.

“Her family didn’t approve of me because I was lacking in good fortunes, which I assume is code for being a banker. Sadly I work in IT, hardly worthy of her exceptional dowry.

“She brought scones and we sat on a blanket in the park, making complex innuendos about flower names. I found it immensely erotic that she’d come without a chaperone.

“When we sat down I caught a flash of well-turned ankle, which did more for me than any of the hours upon hours of depraved porn I’ve watched these last few months.

“Sadly the date was cut short as it began to rain extremely lightly, it got under her corset, and she instantly died of consumption. Oh well. That’s dating in 2020.”