Middle class couple have terrible middle class business idea

A COUPLE genuinely believe they will be able to quit their jobs and make a living selling an expensive ‘artisanal’ version of muesli.

Lawyers Eleanor and Martin Bishop passionately believe they can escape the rat race by pissing their money up the wall on a poorly thought-out business venture.

Eleanor said: “We adore going to our local farmers’ market and spending ridiculous sums on mundane food items that have been wrapped in brown paper so they seem all handmade and rustic.

“So we thought, why don’t we do it too? We both love our homemade muesli so there’s clearly a massive market for it. We’ll probably end up on Dragons’ Den going into business with Peter Jones.

“It’s been pointed out to us that chucking in well-paid, stable jobs to become glorified street traders is fucking stupid, but we’re ignoring the naysayers.

“We just know people won’t be able to resist spending £7.99 on what is essentially nuts, raisins and sawdust in a paper bag tied up with brown twine. It’s just too lovely and yummy.”

Friend Nathan Muir said: “I could buy five times the amount for a third of the price in Sainsbury’s, you total bellends.

“And it would actually taste nice.”

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Labour bribing young people with luxurious free bus travel

THE Labour party is mired in controversy after trying to bribe young people with thrilling, luxurious free bus travel.

The shameless pay off continues the party’s controversial policy of helping young people get on in life instead of vilifying and punishing them.

Conservative MP Julian Cook said: “Labour are promising their young voters a privilege reserved for Tory pensioners, and that’s an outrage. No, it’s evil.

“Travelling by bus is a cornucopia of delights most people would give their right arm for. What could be better than gliding effortlessly through the streets in luxury akin to the Orient Express?

“By god, I wish I were on a bus right now.

“Young people have it easy in our cushy society of flexible working and cheap tuition fees, and now they literally want a free ride? I think I’m going to be sick.”

Student Tom Logan said: “I love travelling by bus, except when you have to wait 40 minutes at a freezing bus stop and it’s almost a fiver to get to college, which is all the time.”