Crisps named best street food

THE humble British crisp has beaten banh mi, pulled pork empanadas and slow-cooked beef burritos to be named Best Street Food. 

A panel of independent judges rejected Pad Thai, dim sum, tartiflette and Indonesian Ketoprak in favour of crisps, which can be flavoured like any of the above anyway.

Judge Tom Booker said: “First, they come naturally in a bag and you can eat them one-handed while you’re on the phone. So an early lead.

“You don’t need to wait for them to cool down, you don’t need to put sauce on, if you drop them on your trousers they brush off without leaving a mark, and they’re cheap. Epic win.

“Laksa noodle soup isn’t street food. It’s soup. Soup’s the least street-friendly food there could possibly be.”

Nikki Hollis of Croydon agreed: “Also, you can make crisps in different shapes, like a monster’s foot. I’d like to see bhel puri do that.”

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Nanny ‘like one of the family’ except she’s paid to be there and can’t tell anyone to f**k off

A MIDDLE class family who adore their nanny have not noticed they are paying her and that she is the only ‘family member’ who never loses their shit.

Eleanor Shaw has worked for the Logan family for six years, and slots in with them so perfectly it is almost like she is one of them, except for the fact she never expresses any emotion other than generalised cheerfulness.

Shaw, 29, said: “They don’t seem to have noticed I am an upbeat shell of a woman when I’m in their house because that is my job.

“You’d have to be lobotomised to not want to scream at the seven year old, and the nine year old really gets on my tits some days.

“When I’m tempted to show an incy-wincy bit of my personality, I just take a deep breath and think about all the money I’m earning that I can spend on getting off my face at the weekend.”

Francesca Logan said: “Eleanor is a ray of sunshine in our house. She’s always so happy and patient – we’ve really struck gold with this one.”

Shaw added: “The secret to getting on with people is being on their payroll.”