WATER bills are going up, and consumers have every right to ask where their money is going. Let us break it down: 

Executive bonuses

32p of every pound your bill increases by goes straight where it’s needed most – the offshore bank accounts of our executives and board members. They’ve worked harder than anyone to secure this bill rise.

Disguising executive bonuses

Regrettably, due to government overreach, there are various laws in place banning executives at ‘underperforming’ businesses receiving bonuses. Circumventing these requires top accountants who command a hefty fee.

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Negative press has damaged our public image. So we commissioned £88m of YouTube ads showing happy people walking dogs around reservoirs with the slogan ‘Reservoir Dogs, brought to you by Southern Water’. We used a reservoir in Poland, it’s cheap to film there.

Lobbying Ofwat

Without our hard-working lobbyists we’d be unable to bring you bill rises for a visibly declining service, so 8p in every pound goes direct to them.

Legal action to stop pollution monitoring

Vital, or pollution in the UK would seem far worse than it does now because the true extent of it would be revealed. That’s why we fight charities and government bodies every step of the way in the courts.

Legal action to stop leak monitoring

Bad publicity about leaking pipes also cost our PR team thousands of man-hours every year. That’s why we fight it all the way in the courts.

Legal action to stop leaks

Not water leaks; whistleblowers trying to reveal pollution, leaks and executive bonuses to the press. Our injunctions keep these battles secret but we’re waging them for you daily.

Debt servicing

Our status as publically-traded companies which are also vital utilities mean we’re ideal vehicles to load with debt, and consequently 52p in every pound goes to paying interest.

Checking there definitely aren’t any spare reservoirs we can drain and sell off for housing

Our estates team is always at work, touring sites to make sure there are no overlooked reservoirs or sewage treatment sites we can decommission and sell to developers. It’s thanks to them water storage facilities in south-east England are at an all-time low.

Flowers for Thatcher’s grave

Finally, 0.0008p of your cash pays for a lavish bouquet for Lady Margaret Thatcher, who privatised the water board alongside her other winning third-term policies, Section 28 and the Poll Tax. They were reversed but it’s too late to fix this one.