EATING your usual guilty cheeseburger, you notice the items on the menu of your favourite fast-food franchise that nobody living has ever ordered. For why would they?
Invented so Christians could still cram their faces with McDonald’s on a Friday, is it the tiny, tiny smear of tartare sauce or the weirdly smooth, seedless bun that’s so profoundly unnerving, almost perverted? The Filet-O-Fish is as reviled in London as in Karachi, as hated in San Diego as in Sao Paulo, an international object of disgust.
The Colonel knows how to fry a chicken, but he knows f**k all about chips. Shite tasting, literally always underdone, covered up with a layer of herbs and pepper to disguise their naked horror, you choke them down as a kind of pointless palate cleanser between the main event. When you’d rather have a sodding corn-on-the-cob, they’ve f**ked up.
Burger King Chicken Burger
Going to Burger King for chicken is like going to your local pub for a wisdom tooth extraction; the offer was made in over-confidence and badly followed through. Why does it exist? Were there chickens wandering through the kitchen it was easier to slaughter than shoo? Why keep flogging this dead horse that tastes worse than dead horse could?
Subway Veggie Delite
Life too short to listen to a bored teenage listing sweetcorn options in a monotone? Pick something off the board and regret it at leisure. A lettuce and tomato sandwich between two slices of cake-like bread? Even a vegan can do better than this.
Starbucks Egg Bites
When you first laid eyes on these disgusting abominations while picking out your panini, you doubted everything. Were you in the wrong reality? Were cameras watching you, hoping you’d be hypnotised into buying two sweaty omelettes the size of 50p pieces for over £3? At least they stopped your girlfriend’s ‘carb-free’ phase in its tracks.