Five simple weeknight meals that will end up taking four to five hours

IT’S the beginning of another dispiriting week, but don’t just shove a ready meal down and watch telly. These deceptively simple recipes will swallow the whole evening:

Chicken stir-fry

A delicious stalwart from youth, when you had f**k all to do. By the time you’ve chopped ingredients, cooked the chicken and washed up the massive wok it will be coming up to 9.30pm. And plenty of cold, damp, flavourless leftovers tomorrow.

Cheesy pasta bake

Ever wanted to cook the same pasta twice? This one’s for you. Grate a whole block of Cathedral City, pour cooked penne into a casserole dish and leave it in the oven for God knows how long. Your shop-bought garlic bread will be done in fifteen minutes, so you’ll stuff the lot then be full.

Jacket potato

Your mum taught you to save hassle by starting the potato off in the microwave, winning back five whole minutes of evening. Whack in oven for two further hours ready for a delicious, hearty meal that tastes just like it did in your school canteen.

Thai green curry

How does rice take so f**king long? It’s tiny. Maybe you messed up the ratio of grains to water, but leaving the rice until last ‘while the curry simmers’ will add an hour to your cooking time and probably also rekindle a long-standing marital argument about time management.

Chilli con carne

Jesus Christ, how basic can you get? It’s just meat, beans and a packet of Schwartz chilli powder. All you had to do was chop an onion, but it leaves you weeping uncontrollably when you remember that you have to be up at 7am tomorrow and this is just your life now. It’ll soon be weekend again and you can order a takeaway.

The suited-and-booted wanker's guide to getting a job

TIMES are tough, but coronavirus needn’t stop you finding a job. Here recruitment consultant and professional bullshitter Josh Hudson explains how to succeed.

Look the part

Dress like David Beckham visiting the Palace, or if you’re a bird, one of the gobby cows off The Apprentice. Also exude mindless self-confidence. This in no way proves you’ll be good at a job, but it works for estate agents and most sales dickheads.

Adopt a fraudulent interview persona

Everyone bigs themselves up in interviews, but real winners do nothing but lie. You’re the hardest worker on the planet, you completely reorganised every team you’ve ever worked in, you’re the best friend a co-worker could ever have. When they realise you’re a sneering, lazy bastard who reads footie websites all day it will be too late.

Choose a career that is actually detrimental to society

Certain jobs are largely recession and coronavirus-proof. Pursue a career such as property developer, online betting client manager or anything to do with payday loans. Paramedics and teachers will get fired; you never will. Mugs.

Have a solid line in bullshit

Do you occasionally stop making inappropriate remarks to the work experience girl to check your emails and make a phone call? You are ‘actioning strategies in a fast-paced multi-platform environment’. And you are, of course, ‘across it’.

Be much worse at your job than you implied

Really talk the talk even if you’re missing targets hopelessly. Just sounding as if you know what you’re doing will suffice for most pointless jobs. But for Christ’s sake don’t apply for ones where your incompetence will quickly become apparent, eg heart surgeon or prime minister.