TODAY’S men see cooking not as a dull chore for women, but an opportunity to prove their masculine brilliance. They would do these traditional bloke dishes on Masterchef:
Spaghetti bolognese with loads of cheese
The testosterone-inspired culinary classic. A man will boil the spaghetti until just about to dissolve, fry some cheap mince, add watery tinned tomatoes and serve with a mountain of grated Cheddar in the traditional Italian style. The best bloke chefs add a a splash of Worcestershire sauce you can’t actually taste, firmly believing this elevates it to the level of the finest haute cuisine.
Egg and chips
Does exactly what it says on the tin. They wish it did come in a tin – there’d be less washing-up for the wife to do. They’re thoughtful like that. Call it ‘oeuf et chips’ and it’d get a Michelin star. Wankers.
A proper recipe, f**ked up
Could be moussaka, coq au vin or lamb rogan josh. The common factor is that it will be extremely ineptly cooked, so a huge amount of effort for something not very nice. A man will spend hours, if not days, putting it together, but forget to do basic things like brown the meat. Then he’lll serve it with great ceremony, expecting constant praise and possibly a blowjob later. Now all you need to do is hire a JCB to clear the vast pile of dirty and burnt dishes and pans and you’ll be able to use the kitchen again.
Pork scratchings sandwich
Follow closely or you’ll get it wrong. Two slices of bread and butter. Add a generous helping of pork scratchings. Take out any with a pig’s nipple on them. Those will put you off them for life. Eat.
Bacon, sausage, eggs, beans, hash browns, mushrooms, black pudding, kidneys, fried bread, ketchup, four slices of bread and butter
Courgettes and lemon zest on a bed of rocket salad are no match for this grease-laden big boy. Rather high in calories and saturated fats? Sure, but he’ll burn it off with masculine activities like sitting at a computer. The great thing about a breakfast like this is it keeps you going. You won’t have to eat for another 12 weeks.
