Golden Syrup had a dead lion on and you had no f**king idea

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Self-proclaimed 'fag hag' has one gay friend

A STRAIGHT woman who likes to call herself a ‘fag hag’ only actually has one gay male friend, it has emerged.

Despite being heterosexual herself, Kelly Howard enjoys watching drag queens and listening to the music of Kylie Minogue, and believes that these qualities give her a unique affinity with gay people.

She said: “The phrase is less widely used these days but I still like it. It’s affectionate. I’m basically a modern-day Cher or Judy Garland, but one who works in consulting.

“Some people might say there’s no point spending time with gay blokes, as they aren’t going to sleep with me, but I disagree. Particularly when we have something important in common, namely that we both like penises.

“And it’s not like I’m getting nothing out of it. In return for me laughing at their silly Grindr antics, they listen to my actual, serious relationship problems. It’s a win-win.”

Kelly’s sole gay friend Tom Logan said: “I don’t know where she’s got this idea from. Apart from me and one of her second cousins, who’s a lesbian, she’s never met any gays.

“Plus, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with her using the term. Am I supposed to be the ‘fag’? What the f**k, Kelly?”