Guardian reader asks for Greggs steak bake to be done medium rare

A GUARDIAN reader has offended a Northern town after visiting a branch of Greggs and asking for a steak bake to be cooked medium rare. 

Tom Logan was visiting Gateshead on a business trip and decided to try the famous pastry product, believing it must be an exquisite local delicacy.  

Logan said: “I asked for it medium rare – the only way to eat steak – and the chap serving me just stared at me blankly. Then he began to get angry. 

“He shouted something completely unintelligible at me. I thought he was speaking in tongues, although I’ve since been informed he just had a Geordie accent. 

“The white-hot bake he finally shoved across the counter was not the fine dining experience I’d been led to believe. I don’t think I’ll be going back. They didn’t even offer quinoa salad as a side and I didn’t dare ask for a fruit tea.”  

Greggs staff member Joe Turner said: “Steak bakes are only ever served one way, and that’s so hot it causes first degree burns to your tongue and a permanent loss of taste.

“I’d suggest Mr Logan goes to Pret A Manger for his lunch next time. They do poncey stuff like things not inside pastry.”

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Tories sure they won't regret whole day spent voting for evil

THE Conservatives are confident that an entire day spent voting to deprive the poor of food and money will not rebound on them in any way. 

Following a day of stripping their new Northern seats of economic support and schoolchildren of food over Christmas, Tory MPs reclined in wing-back chairs and sipped cognac safe in the knowledge their actions would be consequence-free. 

MP Denys Finch Hatton said: “I woke up this morning thinking: why do I feel so damn good? Then I remembered. 

“It’s been a long time since I felt this proud. Knowing that you’ve taken a stand against the media, against that Rashford lad, all to do the right thing and discourage a culture of dependency.  

“I’m so psyched I could just go out there and cut and cut until there isn’t a public service left. I haven’t felt like this since voting for the poll tax in 1988.

“The public? They don’t care about starving kids, or collapsed cities, or the second wave of coronavirus being deadlier than the first. As long as they get a no-deal Brexit, they’re happy.” 

Finch Hatton added: “Yes, nothing bad will come of us being drunk on our own power and boundless cruelty. I think I’ll move up to the Lords.”