The five idiotic objections to gay marriage bigots always come out with

THE Pope has endorsed same-sex civil partnerships, but bigots will still think of weird reasons to oppose gay marriage. Here are some of them.

‘You’ll be able to marry your dog next’

Deeply offensive ‘slippery slope’ argument. It also ignores the fact that at no point in human history has marrying your dog been a popular activity. They wriggle like f**k when you try to put a jumper on them to take a cutesy picture, so imagine trying to get them into a wedding dress.

‘Children are better off with a mum and dad’

Perhaps unsurprisingly, research has proved this is not true. It’s easy to see how kids could be better off without a deadbeat dad or mentalist mum, and even relatively normal parents have their risks, such as being shit at maths when you’ve been dicking around in lessons and need to get your homework done.

‘A celebrity gay couple split up once’

Conclusive proof to morons that gay people just cannot stop their hedonistic lifestyles, as if they’re all Freddie Mercury. Again, rather offensive, because who would want to be associated with the album A Kind of Magic?

‘God is against it’

Sadly God is notoriously bad at saying what He wants, using an unreliable system of ‘prayer’, a very old book, and things that humans have made up. For all we know, God might not give a toss about lesbians but be in favour of everyone dressing as a seagull on Tuesdays. You’d think an omnipotent deity could sort out their comms strategy.

‘Their kids will turn out gay’

Which wouldn’t really matter if you weren’t a bigot. This also seems to assume that all same-sex couples are super-gay role models, and your two dads go to Sainsbury’s dressed as Liberace or the Village People.

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'Can I have sex with my neighbour's cat?': Your Tier 3 questions answered

AS millions of Britons prepare for Tier 3 lockdown, are you still confused about what you’re allowed to do? Here are all your questions answered.

Can I have sex with my neighbour’s cat?

There is no risk of catching Covid from pets and you could always invite the cat into your ‘social bubble’. However having sex with cats is wrong and disgusting, however bored you are. So ‘no’.

Is Rishi Sunak going to give me more free food?

No, that’s finished now. He’s a Tory, remember? And stop being obsessed with free stuff, you tight bastard.

How many people can I mix with? 

At home, no one outside your household. But six in parks and pubs with food and 30 at funerals. You can meet 15 at weddings and f**k knows with gyms. So if you want to go out on the pull, your best chance is at a funeral. There are usually drinks too, so it’s a bit like a night out.

Can I go for a working lunch in a pub?

This is a potential loophole boozehounds could exploit. But ask yourself whether the chance to get pissed is worth it if it means talking shop with twats from work, then getting sacked later that afternoon for being paralytically drunk in a Zoom meeting.

Am I allowed to do amateur dramatics? 

No. A play with a sizeable cast like Our Town exceeds the rule of six, and anyway it will be shit and the only people in the audience will be embarrassed relatives you’ve press-ganged into it.

Can I sit in my garden?

Absolutely forbidden. In the spirit of keeping the rules as confusing as possible, sitting on your own in the garden with a cup of tea will be punishable by a bullet in the head from a police marksman.