Friday, 4th December 2020

The hot facial hair styles that will look bloody awful on you

SEEN a picture of a dude with fancy facial hair and decided you could look just as hot after some nifty razor action? You’ll never pull off these bold looks:

Mutton chops

You’re aiming for Wolverine or White Album John Lennon but you have nothing in common with either mutant legend and no bushy sideburn overgrowth can fix that. At best you’ll look like a bloke who channels his racism into American Civil War reenactment.

Horseshoe moustache

What to make a statement? Nothing says ‘I’m having a breakdown and drink soup from the tin’ like a horseshoe moustache. Why not go the full Hulk Hogan and bleach it too?

The full hipster

If you really want to dazzle, why not brave the itching and just let it grow? Because rewilding your face makes look like an absolute dick. It’s a style that even makes Joaquin Phoenix look like Mr Twit. Trim it like Trudeau, he gets action.

Designer stubble

You may think that trimming just a little to simulate a few days of casual stubble will add that extra ounce of sex appeal. In reality, you’ll look less like George Clooney and more like a man who’s pretty much given up, ie post-corona Boris Johnson.

Chin strip

Yes, we’re all spending more time indoors these days, but that’s no excuse. Even around the house a carefully curated line of hair down your chin make your children question their love for you and terrifies delivery drivers. You look like a badly-moulded Action Man.

Forked beard

If you find yourself Googling ‘how do I make my beard double pointy’ then spend a few hours in damn hard contemplation. Who do you think you are, Satan? You think he’ll take kindly to you rocking his look?