The hot facial hair styles that will look bloody awful on you

SEEN a picture of a dude with fancy facial hair and decided you could look just as hot after some nifty razor action? You’ll never pull off these bold looks:

Mutton chops

You’re aiming for Wolverine or White Album John Lennon but you have nothing in common with either mutant legend and no bushy sideburn overgrowth can fix that. At best you’ll look like a bloke who channels his racism into American Civil War reenactment.

Horseshoe moustache

What to make a statement? Nothing says ‘I’m having a breakdown and drink soup from the tin’ like a horseshoe moustache. Why not go the full Hulk Hogan and bleach it too?

The full hipster

If you really want to dazzle, why not brave the itching and just let it grow? Because rewilding your face makes look like an absolute dick. It’s a style that even makes Joaquin Phoenix look like Mr Twit. Trim it like Trudeau, he gets action.

Designer stubble

You may think that trimming just a little to simulate a few days of casual stubble will add that extra ounce of sex appeal. In reality, you’ll look less like George Clooney and more like a man who’s pretty much given up, ie post-corona Boris Johnson.

Chin strip

Yes, we’re all spending more time indoors these days, but that’s no excuse. Even around the house a carefully curated line of hair down your chin make your children question their love for you and terrifies delivery drivers. You look like a badly-moulded Action Man.

Forked beard

If you find yourself Googling ‘how do I make my beard double pointy’ then spend a few hours in damn hard contemplation. Who do you think you are, Satan? You think he’ll take kindly to you rocking his look?

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Andy Burnham is the Northern Christ

ANDY Burnham is now the North’s Jesus and will be betrayed at a potato-pie supper before crucifixion on a bleak rainswept hill in Oldham. 

The mayor of Manchester, who delivered his famous Sermon Interrupted By Blokes With Mobiles yesterday, must be punished for his truth-telling before his persecuted region can be granted £60 million in support funding.

He said: “Well, looks like I’m suffering for Manchester’s sins. Absolutely bloody typical.

“We’re having the supper tonight at Burnage Community Centre – potato pie, black peas, curry sauce, brown ale, there’s a bouncy castle on for the kiddies – before I’m marched out to the car park by Covid marshalls.

“I’ll be tried by Zoom by some hand-washing bugger then I’ll drag my cross up Tandle Hill in pissing rain. Lowry’s going to do a lovely painting of it, all grim and brown.

“Then I’m nailed up by a couple of solid craftsmen, local lads, they’d do a good job on your kitchen, and after that death under a low sky in constant drifting drizzle.

“Stalybridge Old Band are doing a brass version of I Am The Resurrection but it won’t happen, like. We don’t hold with that sentimental bollocks up here.”