Sunday, 9th May 2021

Backs just hurt, thirtysomethings told

BACKS just hurt, people in their 30s have been told.

Doctors have confirmed that near-constant shoulder and spine pain is a fact of life for anyone in their 30s, is not in any way treatable or cureable and will remain for the rest of their lives.

Dr Helen Archer said: “You can stop Googling it and stretching. Backs just hurt when you’re over 30, end of.

“It’s science. All the ergonomic chairs, massage balls and orthopedic shoes in the world won’t change it. Spending a fortune on an overengineered miracle mattress won’t help.

“While the exact cause of back pain is still unknown, we suspect it’s related to the weight of all the stupid mistakes you’ve made up in your life so far. Otherwise it wouldn’t be so universal.

“So yes, some of you will never stand up again without letting out a little yelp of pain. Others will go down on one knee to pick up a dropped quid for life.

“Soon you’ll be 40. Enjoy not having constant knee pain and getting up for a wee three times a night while you can.”