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Heatwave provides excuse to eat f**k-off chunk of ice cream on a stick

THE heatwave sweeping England and Wales has given everyone an excellent excuse to eat a huge block of chocolate-coated ice cream on a wooden stick. 

Fully air-conditioned workplaces are ceasing all work in favour of sending junior employees out to buy Magnums, Nuii, various Cadburys options and those Halo ones for dieters.

27-year-old greedy person Tom Logan said: “On normal temperate days people would be pretty scathing if I ate a shitload of ice cream in the middle of the afternoon.

“But it’s sunny, it is imperative that I ‘cool down’ and I’ll just sweat the fat and sugar out naturally through my pores.”

Colleague Jo Kramer said: “Also, if it’s on a stick it’s light-hearted fun, not some fat bastard chomping through a whole bowl of Ben & Jerry’s.

“What does it taste of? Sort of a cold, vague nothing. But it’s provided enough dopamine to get through to 3pm.”

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Seven reasons why of course everyone judges your f**king tattoos

DESPITE their popularity, tattoos are still not fully accepted by those who do not cover their skin with childish drawings. Could it be for these obvious reasons?

They’re inherently frightening 

A skull, even with flowers dotted around it, is still a human head stripped of flesh and a universal symbol of death favoured by organisations such as the SS. You have chosen to put one on your body permanently. Expect to be shunned.

Your tattoo jars with your job

Tattoos are popular in careers such as the Army. However jobs like nurse, accountant or fancy cake baker do not need the same macho, comrades-in-arms ethos. Did you drag that slice of red velvet cake out of a burning Humvee under enemy fire?

They makes you unemployable in a meta way

A potential employer won’t see your neck tats and think: ‘By Jove, he looks like a ruffian and a ne’er-do-well!’ because they’ve seen plenty. But they will think: ‘Did this guy not consider his future applications for professional roles when he had those done? No second interview for you, Machine Gun Kelly.’

They’re frequently clichéd

Maori-style ‘tribal’ designs, skeletons in top hats and roaring lions: all groaningly unoriginal. How were you this oblivious to trends when you had them done? Did you not realise they should each have a best-before date underneath?

Face and hand tattoos are loved by nutters

Equally popular with aggressive beggars off their heads, prison inmates and young chaps with poor impulse control and electronic tags. Your tats may be quite arty and cost £850, but you can’t expect people to switch off reasonable associations.

They’re notoriously chavvy

It is no secret that the body art of the lower classes is lavishly mocked. Expect sneering reactions to your tramp stamp and the names of your children in cursive script, especially if those names are Darcy-Rae and Jaxxon.

Tattooists can’t draw

A lot of stencils are involved, but questionable images get inked nonetheless. When others look askance at your dragon with a dislocated pelvis or are genuinely struggling to tell if that is a Minion or Bart Simpson, the problem lies with the artist.

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