How are you being a twat about Eat Out To Help Out?

ARE you determined to use your food discount to be a pain in the arse to other customers and staff? Here’s how to do it.

Have unrealistically high expectations

Going for a £10 burger meal in a pub? Act as if you’re paying £500 at a Michelin-starred restaurant. Demand a window seat and start shouting if you don’t get onion rings and half a dozen relishes. Basically be a poundshop Michael Winner but without the awful films.

Be a dick about getting things for free

There’s nothing more tedious than a triumphant tightarse. Please shut up about how you had a massive lasagne on Monday for £1, a medium Margherita for free on Wednesday, etc. Especially if it’s the third time you’ve mentioned it that evening.

Be incredibly rude

All of the following are good to mark you out as a twat:

● Clicking your fingers at serving staff, maybe with a cheerful shout of “Oi! Garcon!”.

● Complaining about non-problems, such as a microscopic smear on a water glass, to show what a big man you are.

● Creepy ‘bantz’, eg. “Bet you’ve got a few boyfriends?” every time the waitress comes to the table.

These will guarantee that one element of your meal definitely comes free – a nice big glob of spit.

Spread coronavirus for the sake of cheap food

Ignore social distancing while queuing to get in and jostle others in your eagerness to feed. Once inside, get way too close to other customers as you get more napkins and ketchup sachets. Potential death versus a free glass of Diet Coke? No contest.

Attempt to game the system

There’s no limit to how many times you can use the discount, so why not have an unhealthy 12 meals a day? Tell people about this brilliant scam. They’ll think you’re a twat, but you won’t realise, because you’re such a twat.

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Why it takes a serial incompetent to tackle incompetence, by Matt Hancock

RECENTLY I’ve noticed columnists saying it’s wrong to appoint useless people to important jobs. As someone with a long history of incompetence, let me explain why they’re wrong.

Have you ever heard the saying ‘It takes a thief to catch a thief’? Well, it’s the same with incompetence.

The new national health agency boss Dido Harding has a record of presiding over a data loss catastrophe at Talk Talk before overseeing a still more calamitous track and trace cock-up.

A slow-witted left winger would see this as proof that she shouldn’t be allowed to direct traffic at an NHS car park, let alone be given £10bn of public funds to play with.

What they are missing is that, unlike competent people, incompetents have frontline, real-life experience of dealing with absolute shitshows.

Shitshows of their own making, yes. But would you prefer executives who are good at their jobs, who have never have experienced massive foul-ups because things run smoothly under them?

‘That doesn’t make sense’, I hear you say. But I know what I’m talking about. I am one of the top incompetents in Britain, if not the world. World-beating incompetence, you might say.

Anyway, her husband and I belong to the same tennis club.

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