Saturday, 30th May 2020

How to stop lunch being the most exciting thing that happens to you today

AS lockdown drags on, what you eat for lunch will probably be the most exhilarating thing that happens to you today. Here are five things that might change that.

Have a really exciting dinner

You could just eat a worse lunch but that’s slightly self-defeating. Instead, plan an amazing evening meal. If you really want to spice things up, have dinner in front of a mirror and pretend you are dining with your new, secret, same-sex lover who happens to look exactly like you.

Become vegan

That’s not very exciting, you say. But while eating only plants is not very thrilling, the behaviour of some vegans suggests that banging on about it to other people is a thrilling experience you won’t be able to get enough of.

Find an amazing TV show to watch

There’s nothing like TV to distract you from the lazily prepared chow you’re shovelling into your gob. Take out a subscription to every TV channel you can until you find a compelling new show with all the sex of Normal People and all the dragons and sex of Game of Thrones. It’ll cost a bomb, but it’ll be worth it if all you can ever be bothered to make is Heinz ravioli.

Hope for an alien invasion

A few weeks ago, the US military released recordings of UFOs. What if those aliens chose today to invade? That would completely take your mind off lunch. Admittedly it carries the risk of being exterminated or anally probed, but all they’d find up there is a boring tuna melt you ate earlier.

The government gets on top of things and lockdown ends immediately

This would be great, but to be honest our leaders aren’t looking any less incompetent than usual. Probably best to pin your hopes on the alien invasion.