Britain knew Johnson would never deceive them over affair with a blonde

A RELIEVED nation has confessed they knew their hero Boris Johnson would never use his position to have tawdry sex with a blonde American. 

Now that there will be no criminal probe into his relationship with entrepreneur Jennifer Arcuri, Johnson is totally cleared of any suspicion of wrongdoing, just as Britain expected all along. 

Margaret Gerving said: “I knew it was all lies when they said he had an inappropriate sexual relationship. Not Boris, I said. 

“Now he’s been exonerated all those dirty people with their minds in the gutter will finally have to accept he was only having IT lessons from that lovely lady without a sniff of impropriety. 

“There’s just no way he would allow his base lusts to overwhelm his sense of civic duty. He gave her those grants because of her undoubted technological brilliance. Mark my words, she’ll be the next Steve Jobs. 

Norman Steele said: “The man’s guided by a strict moral code. He’s like a Puritan. I feel sorry for him because he’s denied himself so much in the service of his country. 

“He could never lie to anyone, especially not for sex. Anyone who doubts that isn’t British and should be deported.” 

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What pointless shit are you watching on TikTok?

TIKTOK is the surprise internet hit of coronavirus as people attempt to fill the endless empty hours of lockdown. Here are some great videos if your attention span is f**ked. 

People miming to songs

Pretty pointless, like watching your local am dram group put on a production of Get Carter when you could just watch the actual film. Probably popular due to the ‘perv factor’, ie. TikTikkors will watch anything with a woman in a tight top, even if she’s explaining how to get rid of mildew.

Shit American cooks 

Ever wondered if there’s a way to put maple syrup INSIDE a cheese and egg toasted sandwich before frying it? The many weirdly unambitious American cooks on TikTok will show you.

‘Oddly satisfying’ videos

Okay, these can be hypnotic. But it’s hard not to suspect that a video of ice creams being dipped in chocolate in a factory is some sort of capitalist brainwashing to prepare you for a life of standing at a soul-destroying production line.


If you want to watch mildly competent dancers showing off horribly to crap R’n’B, TikTok is for you. And, unlike the one good dancer in your office showing off at the Christmas bash, you can turn it off. Also inexplicably popular are videos of dads joining in, as if it’s a modern-day miracle that a healthy 45-year-old man can do Gangnam Style badly.

Overambitious tutorials

Ever wanted to learn how to paint? Tiktok will show you in 15 seconds. Sadly they fail to mention that the people making the videos are GOOD AT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE. The same applies to cool skateboard tricks. The death toll from these videos is currently unknown.

Hunting humans

These real-life fights to the death in undisclosed locations in Eastern Europe are genuinely compelling. Unfortunately you’ll have to download ‘Dark TikTok’, run by the same people as the Dark Web, and once you’ve registered the Russian mafia will kidnap you for the next one.