Wednesday, 27th January 2021

Creepy village erects large wicker Captain Tom

A GIANT statue of Captain Tom made entirely of wicker has been erected in a remote, creepy village, it has emerged.

As tributes to the fundraising ex-army officer escalate, the pagan inhabitants of Summerisle made a huge wicker effigy of Tom Moore that is large enough to fit a man in its chest.

Police officer Wayne Hayes said: “I discovered the wicker Captain Tom while investigating the disappearance of a young girl in the area. I’ve seen some impressive tributes to him over the last few weeks, but this one takes the biscuit.

“Standing 40 feet tall he looms over the village, his eyes the size of millstones staring down at the townspeople in judgement. Sacrificial livestock is housed in his massive Zimmer frame and at night naked virgins dance around his enormous, charitable feet.

“During the clap for the NHS, villagers poured out of their houses wearing papier-mache Captain Tom masks, then they caged me inside the effigy, and set fire to it.”

As the flames started to take hold, a smiling Hayes added: “It’s the least we could do to show our appreciation for Captain Tom. Roll on the knighthood!”