Track-and-trace 'a faff', government admits

THE government has admitted it has not put track-and-trace systems in place because they sound too much like hard work. 

A Department of Health spokesperson confirmed that tracking and tracing, which has stopped the spread of the virus in other countries, is basically an admin nightmare that nobody in Whitehall wanted to touch. 

He continued: “We haven’t brought it in for the exact same reason that we dropped it back in March – it’s a pain in the arse. 

“Who’s this person met and where’ve they been, then the people they’ve met, then the people they’ve met and so on. It never f**king ends. 

“This is a Boris administration. It doesn’t do complicated. His exact words were, ‘I can’t even be bothered to call women I’ve been shagging if I can’t be arsed to pop round, so I’m not keeping tabs on the whole nation.’

“Instead we’re waiting for something easy like a quick injection with a big syringe. Simple solutions, that’s what this government’s a fan of. 

“And in that vein, get ready for a nice clean no-deal Brexit. Trade agreements are a right load of bollocking about.”

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Why you can't have universal basic income, by Rishi Sunak

FREE cash for all with no questions asked would make everyone’s life easier right now. Here chancellor Rishi Sunak explains why it’s a terrible idea and you mustn’t have it.

Money is actually bad for you

Coins are tiny so they’re a real choking hazard for kids, and even an adult could slip on a plastic banknote like a banana peel. By keeping it out of your clumsy hands I’m actually doing you a big favour. You’re welcome.

You won’t spend it on the right things

Poor people tend to spunk their money up the wall on inessential items like cigarettes, tins of food and shelter. Why can’t you spend it on something sensible like the stock market? Then you’d have lots of money, you stupid bastards.

There are too many of you

We could probably shell out some spare change for 12 people, tops, but there’s 67 million of you. Don’t worry, we’re working hard to bring that number down day by day with our rudderless leadership during the pandemic.

The best things in life are free

The most important things in the world don’t cost a penny. You can’t put a price on falling in love, for example, which is why I married the daughter of an Indian billionaire. Try it yourself and watch your money worries disappear.

Loans are more profitable

Not for you, obviously. However the banks will be able to bleed you dry over the course of years which will be great for the financial sector. You’ll be doing your bit for the economy, so, chin up!