Friday, 7th May 2021

Track-and-trace 'a faff', government admits

THE government has admitted it has not put track-and-trace systems in place because they sound too much like hard work. 

A Department of Health spokesperson confirmed that tracking and tracing, which has stopped the spread of the virus in other countries, is basically an admin nightmare that nobody in Whitehall wanted to touch. 

He continued: “We haven’t brought it in for the exact same reason that we dropped it back in March – it’s a pain in the arse. 

“Who’s this person met and where’ve they been, then the people they’ve met, then the people they’ve met and so on. It never f**king ends. 

“This is a Boris administration. It doesn’t do complicated. His exact words were, ‘I can’t even be bothered to call women I’ve been shagging if I can’t be arsed to pop round, so I’m not keeping tabs on the whole nation.’

“Instead we’re waiting for something easy like a quick injection with a big syringe. Simple solutions, that’s what this government’s a fan of. 

“And in that vein, get ready for a nice clean no-deal Brexit. Trade agreements are a right load of bollocking about.”