Mum's blood runs cold as she remembers the school run

THE thought of driving her children to school again is terrifying a woman more than the coronavirus.

Mum-of-two Carolyn Ryan had to lie down in a darkened room as she remembered the ordeal of herding her kids into her Skoda Scala and weaving through rush hour traffic five times a week.

Ryan said: “It’s not just the driving that terrifies me. You’ve got to wake the little buggers up, wrestle them into their uniforms, then shove cereal into their mouths. Giving medicine to a cat is easier.

“Getting the pair of them into the car on time is practically impossible too. I’m thinking of hurling the Nintendo Switch onto the back seat to see if they race after it like dogs fetching a stick.

“They’re not going to learn anything over the next few weeks anyway. If we can just ride this out until the summer holidays there’s a chance I won’t have to think about the school run again until October.”

When she realised this would involve her kids staying at home all day every day for the next four months, Ryan pulled her duvet over her head and reached for one of many bottles of wine hidden around her house.

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Are you a 'fake virus' conspiracy twat?

DO you believe coronavirus is part of some impossibly complicated conspiracy? Take our test and find out if your brains have fallen out.

What do you believe caused the coronavirus crisis?

A) It seems to have started in a Wuhan food market.

B) A shadowy cabal of secret rulers who wish to both enslave and depopulate the globe using the deadliest weapon of mass extermination known to mankind – the 5G phone network.

How do you keep up-to-date about the crisis?

A) Reasonably trustworthy media such as the BBC, Guardian and FT.

B) A Facebook page belonging to ‘Freeman Barry’ full of people obsessed with paedophile conspiracies, flat earth theorists, anti-vaxxers, libertarians, UFO fans, idiots who think the CIA did 9/11, free energy buffs, common purpose bellends and a woman called Sue who believes there are ‘shadow people’ living in her loft.

Do you go on anti-lockdown demos?

A) No. That seems quite stupid, given this thing called ‘coronavirus’.

B) Yes. I was there in the middle of a big crowd in Hyde Park at the weekend, carrying an amateurish placard that read: “NOT a SHEEPLE!!! Give me ‘DEATH’ or give me ‘LIBORTY’!!!”

Who is in on the coronavirus conspiracy?

A) No one. It’s just a silly story made up to make weirdos feel knowledgeable and important.

B) All doctors, nurses and police officers, the ‘lamestream’ media, the army, scientists, civil servants, local councils and everyone who works for the tourist board. They’ve all kept quiet about it. Also every world government, except for the trustworthy, truthful ones like Trump and Putin.

Mostly As: You are not a barking mad conspiracy twat. Give yourself a pat on the back, although it’s not much of an achievement.

Mostly Bs: You’ve gone down the rabbit hole. Maybe do a course in critical thinking, although this may prove difficult if you’re currently on a ventilator due to your stupid beliefs.