Kids preferred it when dad cooked that one time

A MUM was furious to learn her kids preferred the unhealthy concoctions her husband came up with to her lovingly prepared meals when she was away for two days. 

After a short work trip, mum-of-three Kelly Howard questioned her children about daddy’s cooking skills, only for them to inform her he had become a culinary genius in her absence. 

Howard said: “They loved Martin’s disgusting meals, which included dinosaur nuggets in blankets, sweet and sour fish fingers, and oven chips tossed in gravy granules. Not a single fresh vegetable was eaten by man or child. 

“Then they admitted they wished I’d go away more often so daddy could do all the cooking. They’re a bunch of bloody bastard little traitors and I hope they’ve got dangerously high cholesterol.”

However Martin Howard dismissed the idea that he would be cooking regularly, having exhausted his chef’s creativity after two days of looking in the freezer.

He said: “Much as I enjoy lording it over Kelly, I think it’s best she does all the cooking. I’m fresh out of ideas and it’s also quite boring. No wonder we have lasagne three times a week.”

Kelly added: “I hope the bastard’s pleased with himself. There’s no way I’m getting the kids to eat broccoli risotto now. I think for dinner we’ll have potato smileys with Dairylea slices. All the fight has gone out of me.”

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It would have been rude to leave without bombing anyone, says Sunak

RISHI Sunak has authorised British airstrikes on Yemen, because what kind of prime minister would he be if he left office without a few airstrikes?

Sunak authorised joint US-UK airstrikes on Houthi militants on the basis it is classic British leadership stuff and it would be a shame to be voted out without giving it a go.

He said: “Hey, all the greats did it: Blair, Thatcher, Cameron. Who am I to hold myself back from joining their august company?

“Arguably Liz and Boris failed as PMs because they didn’t authorise high-precision bombing against militants backed by Iran. Certainly it couldn’t have hurt.

“Global shipping is threatened, which could harm our food supply because Brexit hasn’t worked out quite yet, so it’s time to get the toys out and make a few bangs.

“It’s giving serious Suez vibes, right down to me no longer being in Downing Street by the end of the year so what have I got to lose? Will it provide a poll boost? Nah. We’re well past that.”

He added: “It’s crazy. I didn’t know who the Houthis were in November, now here I am bombing them.”