Kids to be sick by lunchtime

THE nation’s children will have eaten so much Easter chocolate they will be sick by lunchtime, it has been confirmed.

Having promptly devoured their weekly recommended allowance of chocolate in a matter of minutes, children across the country will be hunched over the toilet feeling queasy by midday.

Parent Tom Booker said: “Every year it’s the same story. The kids wake up, rip the foil off their Easter eggs, stuff them into their greedy faces, then bring them back up again shortly after.

“I try to warn them that furiously gobbling down chocolate never ends well. But they pay even less attention than when I try to teach them about the real meaning of Easter.”

Booker’s eight-year-old son Martin said: “I’ve only been up for half an hour but I’ve already scoffed four massive Easter eggs, half a dozen Creme Eggs and a couple of bags of chocolate buttons for good measure. I fail to see how this will backfire.

“Having said that, I suddenly feel the need to go to the bathroom for a completely unrelated reason. It’s probably that one piece of fruit I ate in the last six months coming back to haunt me.”

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Mindlessly scrolling on your phone: The predictable ways you'll piss your evening away again

GOT grand plans about how you will spend the evening? Forget them. This is what you’ll be doing instead.

Falling asleep far too early

You and your partner have set this evening aside to chat and spend some quality time together. But that frozen lasagna intended for a family of four which you’ll eat by yourselves has other ideas. Your body will be so awash with fat and complex Italian carbohydrates that you’re doomed to pass out on the sofa by 7pm.

Mindlessly scrolling on your phone

Did you plan to have a relaxing evening? Well, plans change. Instead, you’ll spend hours aimlessly scrolling through various news feeds and soaking up all the horrors humanity is currently enduring. Before you know it, it’s 1am and all you’ve done is read an article about a soon-to-be extinct Malaysian tree frog.

Arguing about what to watch

Did your friend recommend a new Netflix series? Or perhaps your partner’s colleague told them about a brilliant movie that’s just come out? Instead of agreeing to watch either piece of quality entertainment, you and your other half will spend the next four hours yelling at each other. This fight is about more than your viewing habits though, isn’t it?

Trawling through Facebook

Is this the evening you finally pick up one of the books on your bedside table? No. As usual, you will waste another night trawling through Facebook, getting angry at your conspiracy theory obsessed uncle, and seeing what your ex is up to. Sadly it looks like they’re still happy in their new marriage, probably because they don’t piss away their evenings on Facebook.

Gawping at YouTube

When all else fails, the YouTube algorithm is always there to help you while away your time. It’ll start you off easy with funny videos of cats getting surprised or people falling through hedges, but before long you’ll be radicalised by clips from The Joe Rogan Experience. That’s if you can bear to sit through all the f**king pre-roll ads.