Matriarch of vegan polycule making big deal out of carving nut roast

THE female head of a polyamorous vegan household is carving the Christmas dinner nut roast with imperious self-importance. 

Domineering matriarch Susan Traherne has lived up to the expectations of her alternative lifestyle by donning an apron, vigorously sharpening her blade, and slicing off cuts of nut roast for her multiple partners.

Primary partner Joseph Turner said: “We’re a progressive, ethically non-monogamous household that likes to challenge societal norms. But if a cis white male such as myself tried to take this task from Susan she would kill them.

“The carving of a nut roast is the traditional right of every polyamorous top. She said if I were to do it then she might as well live her life as a tradwife for some fascist oppressor.

“It’s a bit rich though. She doesn’t lift a finger in the kitchen during the rest of the year – which is absolutely her right – but expects me to be impressed by this single culinary feat. It’s not really her fault though, her mums drummed this behaviour into her.”

Secondary girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I’m so confused. I feel like I should be against any form of conventional social hierarchy, but watching Susan’s muscular forearms make short work of that nut roast has really made me damp downstairs.”

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The f**king uncomfortable things you're sleeping on at your parents' place

YOUR parents’ house cannot accommodate you, your sister, your brother, his wife and their kids, so you’re sleeping on one of these: 

Sofa bed

Not the fold-out bed part because the hinges are long since knackered. Instead you’re kipping on a sofa people have spent all day farting into. And it’s in the living room so you won’t get any privacy. Hope you don’t mind your dad waking you up at 7am putting on Good Morning Britain to ogle Susanna Reid.

Air mattress

A big mattress bloated with air sounds reasonably comfortable. But don’t forget you have to inflate the sodding thing first. You’ll tire yourself out blowing it up, then as you slump onto it you’ll realise it’s nowhere near as comfy as springs, then every night it goes down and you wind up on the floor surrounded by air mattress. An uncomfortable irony.

The floor

All carpeted areas are occupied with slumbering in-laws on air mattresses, so you’re relegated to the granite-tiled flooring of mum’s bespoke kitchen. The cold, hard flagstones could be refreshing in the summer, but on a December night you’re like chilled meat. At least you have good fridge access.

The bath

Pros: it’s long enough to lie down in. Cons: it’s made of porcelain-enameled cast iron so the stairs would be more forgiving to your spine. And it’s right next to the loo, and Dad goes for three pisses per night, and they take so long you now need to have a difficult conversation about his prostate.

Your childhood bed

Yes it’s an actual bed, but you’re two feet too big for it now. Plus you try to drift off in the throes of existential crisis. How have you ended up back here? Let’s just say your younger self would be depressed if they knew.