THE female head of a polyamorous vegan household is carving the Christmas dinner nut roast with imperious self-importance.
Domineering matriarch Susan Traherne has lived up to the expectations of her alternative lifestyle by donning an apron, vigorously sharpening her blade, and slicing off cuts of nut roast for her multiple partners.
Primary partner Joseph Turner said: “We’re a progressive, ethically non-monogamous household that likes to challenge societal norms. But if a cis white male such as myself tried to take this task from Susan she would kill them.
“The carving of a nut roast is the traditional right of every polyamorous top. She said if I were to do it then she might as well live her life as a tradwife for some fascist oppressor.
“It’s a bit rich though. She doesn’t lift a finger in the kitchen during the rest of the year – which is absolutely her right – but expects me to be impressed by this single culinary feat. It’s not really her fault though, her mums drummed this behaviour into her.”
Secondary girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I’m so confused. I feel like I should be against any form of conventional social hierarchy, but watching Susan’s muscular forearms make short work of that nut roast has really made me damp downstairs.”