A COUPLE spending their first Christmas together were shocked to realise that they each have entirely incorrect Christmas traditions.
Jack Browne and Eleanor Shaw could not be together last year and have planned their Christmas for months, only to discover that they are trapped in a seasonal hell of not doing it right at all.
Browne said: “It began first thing Christmas morning. Eleanor wanted us to open our presents in turn, while the right way to do it is to descend on whatever’s under the tree like a swarm of locusts.
“Next she wanted a morning walk exactly when you should be making the jump from champagne to a mid-morning whiskey. Christmas is about wild consumption and setting a record low step-count on my FitBit, not shows of gratitude and going outdoors.
Shaw said: “He expected lunch at 1pm, not 5pm, and then had no interest in our afternoon game of Scrabble with double scores for festive words.
“When I put Elf on he ranted about how he always watches Gladiator. What connection there is between Christmas and Russell Crowe dressed as a sort of ancient gimp I can’t fathom, but apparently he sees one.
“What did we agree on? Well I think we’re both reconsidering having kids.”