How to have the best Christmas day ever in Wetherspoons

COULD anything beat Christmas Day in Wetherspoons? No. Here’s how the most wonderful time of the year is in the most wonderful pub on the high street: 

It’s got all your essential Christmas activities and more

It sells nuts. There’s booze. There’s wi-fi so you don’t actually have to talk to your family, just like Christmas at home. There’s even a comfy carpeted floor if mum needs a quick lie-down. And there’s a telly on at all times that everyone gazes vacantly at.

Let someone else do the microwaving

No one wants to slave over a microwave for whole minutes on Christmas Day. Put your feet up, sip a glass of Stella, and let someone else irradiate a frozen turkey crown shipped frozen from Romania and bring it to your table. Luxury!

Enjoy a traditional Christmas dinner 

Wetherspoons has pulled out all the stops with its traditional Christmas menu this year: bacon-and-brie pizza, bacon-and-brie toasted sandwich or just a massive plate of cheap pigs in blankets. Your friends will be green with envy if all they’ve had is roast goose with all the trimmings.

Do all your Christmas shopping

No trudging around shops or Amazon boxes: Spoons has all the gifts you need. Your wife will love a Stella; a pint of Stella is the perfect gift for Nan; your kids will be more thrilled by a pitcher of Moscow mule than a robot dinosaur. Get a packet of steak crisps for your cousin Gareth you don’t like.

Celebrate Brexmas with pride

Brexit has been attracting some negative comments recently. Not so in Wetherspoons, where the clientele have just as much faith as ever, like doomsday cult members joyfully drinking cyanide so they can meet Jesus on a spaceship.

Have a mass brawl 

There used to be loads of fighting at Christmas before it got too commercialised. Burn off some Christmas carbs with a bracing altercation against two vans of coppers. Spending Boxing Day in a cell is a great way to get out of visiting the in-laws.

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Showing Cannibal Holocaust on Christmas day 'a mistake' admits BBC

THE BBC has issued an apology for broadcasting the controversial video nasty Cannibal Holocaust as part of its Christmas Day offerings.

The horrific found-footage film was shown uncensored in a prime spot on the schedule – just after Wallace & Gromit and before the Call the Midwife Christmas Special.

BBC head of communications Mary Fisher said: “As a public broadcaster, it is our duty not to show stomach-churning acts of cannibalism and torture before the watershed. We have failed in that duty.

“We wanted to challenge the public with daring and different Christmas programming. But our desire to bring balance to our winter schedule perhaps tipped us too far in the other direction.

“We’ve since learned, from viewer feedback, that people don’t want to see someone being impaled through the arse while they’re settling down in their Christmas jumpers to eat Chocolate Oranges.”

But some viewers backed the BBC. Margaret Gerving, a great-grandmother from Swansea, said: “It was a damn sight less shit than Kung Fu Panda 3 on ITV3.”