COULD anything beat Christmas Day in Wetherspoons? No. Here’s how the most wonderful time of the year is in the most wonderful pub on the high street:
It’s got all your essential Christmas activities and more
It sells nuts. There’s booze. There’s wi-fi so you don’t actually have to talk to your family, just like Christmas at home. There’s even a comfy carpeted floor if mum needs a quick lie-down. And there’s a telly on at all times that everyone gazes vacantly at.
Let someone else do the microwaving
No one wants to slave over a microwave for whole minutes on Christmas Day. Put your feet up, sip a glass of Stella, and let someone else irradiate a frozen turkey crown shipped frozen from Romania and bring it to your table. Luxury!
Enjoy a traditional Christmas dinner
Wetherspoons has pulled out all the stops with its traditional Christmas menu this year: bacon-and-brie pizza, bacon-and-brie toasted sandwich or just a massive plate of cheap pigs in blankets. Your friends will be green with envy if all they’ve had is roast goose with all the trimmings.
Do all your Christmas shopping
No trudging around shops or Amazon boxes: Spoons has all the gifts you need. Your wife will love a Stella; a pint of Stella is the perfect gift for Nan; your kids will be more thrilled by a pitcher of Moscow mule than a robot dinosaur. Get a packet of steak crisps for your cousin Gareth you don’t like.
Celebrate Brexmas with pride
Brexit has been attracting some negative comments recently. Not so in Wetherspoons, where the clientele have just as much faith as ever, like doomsday cult members joyfully drinking cyanide so they can meet Jesus on a spaceship.
Have a mass brawl
There used to be loads of fighting at Christmas before it got too commercialised. Burn off some Christmas carbs with a bracing altercation against two vans of coppers. Spending Boxing Day in a cell is a great way to get out of visiting the in-laws.